Being a Single Parent with Alcoholism is Hard

Today has been a particularly rough day.  I know I'm not the only single parent out there in the world and I also know I'm not the only single parent with alcoholism either.  All you have to do is a quick Google search for "alcoholic single parent" and the results that come up indicate that being an alcoholic single mother is definitely a thing.  Refreshingly though, the majority of the links returned from that search point women to help. Here's the top five search results:

1. http://www.promises.com/articles/women-and-alcohol/the-dangers-of-an-alcoholic-mother/
2. http://alcoholrehab.com/drug-addiction/single-parents-and-substance-abuse/
3. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/10030431/The-pain-of-growing-up-with-an-alcoholic-mother.html
4. http://www.parenting.com/article/alcoholic-parent
5. http://www.mommyish.com/2012/02/17/more-bad-press-for-single-moms-many-are-alcoholics/

Let's be totally real.  Being a single mother with alcoholism is hard.  Especially in these days of social media and all of the funny and cute memes that people post it's pretty clear that a lot of parents turn to a glass of wine or a beer or maybe a straight up shot of vodka to cope with the stresses of their day.  The reality for us with alcoholism is that we have had to find new ways to cope with stressful days.  For some people that might be gardening or sports or physical activity; for me it is writing.

Today has been a particularly rough day.  I lost my temper when I came home to find dirty socks and a piece of garbage thrown on the floor.  I yelled at my kids.  They picked up the dirty socks and the garbage.  We hugged.  I apologized for losing my temper.  And now I write.

The thing that people say in rehab but you don't really hear when you first get sober is that your relationships will change.  As you change, your relationship with everyone changes.  Sure people have been hugely supportive and encouraging.  They've also been awkward, made assumptions about how I will react and some have just dropped off the face of the earth because I'm not the fun party girl that was their friend.  Sobriety can leave you feeling very alone.  So I write.  Writing allows me to have conversations that I can't have with my kids or parents or sometimes even my close friends because unless you're walking a similar path, it can be very difficult for you to relate.  

Today has been a particularly rough day.  I'm grateful for rough days like today because it's a marker on the timeline of my sobriety.  A milestone that I have established healthy ways to cope.  I can forgive myself for losing my temper.  I can celebrate that life is life and sometimes it's great, sometimes it's hard but mostly it's just regular, everyday life.

Sobriety is Sacred

Imagine the most dear of dearest things that you can think of, something that you will fiercely protect, even die to protect; that is what sobriety is.  Sobriety holds infinite amounts of strength and goodness.  It is beautiful and bright and vibrant.  Sobriety is the holy grail for the alcoholic, the golden challis that shall forever be empty and held in both hands, never to know alcohol again.

I like the challis analogy because holding sobriety dear and sacred is like one of those individual immunity challenges on Survivor; it's just you and your sobriety and if you ever let go, even for a moment, what you face is relapse and you could be out of sobriety forever.

I am now four years sober as of April 10th, 2015.  For the first three years I worked my sobriety on a daily basis.  Kept my journal, wrote and blogged about recovery, kept in contact with my new sober friends from rehab, went to therapy twice a week, read books for personal and spiritual growth, was physically active and feeding my soul in many ways every day.  My heart was full of gratitude, humility and I was genuinely grateful for every new morning when my sober eyes would open and I would turn to my journal to share my thoughts and perspectives about the previous day and the day ahead.  In short I was focused.

Life in sobriety has been great.  Amazing even.  Not short of challenges, but with all of my new coping skills, I have handled those challenges well and never once relapsed.  I was improving and progressing in every area of my life.  I had secured stable housing, managed to convert my job from limited duration status to full time employee, paying bills off slowly, volunteering in my community and doing this whole sober adult thing pretty well.  Then I met someone and I let myself lose focus. Not all at once, but even a little is a dangerous thing because once you loosen your grip even a little, then the other fingers loosen up a little more and then pretty soon you realize that you've completely let go and can wake up to find yourself holding another bottle instead of that sacred challis of sobriety.

Now, before my friends and family freak out, I have not relapsed.  Let me repeat.  I have not relapsed but I have definitely lost focus and am self aware enough to recognize that old thought patterns are lurking right in the shadows waiting to pounce on my sobriety like a pack of hungry lions on weakened prey.  And that is why I am writing about it because maybe someone out there will read my story and know that they are not alone, that this life of sobriety isn't easy and that commitment is a fickle thing that you have to reaffirm on a daily basis.

The realization that I was on the verge of being in real trouble came for me about a week ago when I was driving past a vineyard with a tasting room and I thought "I could stop in there and have a flight of wine and no one will know."  Yes, that exact thought went through my brain for a split second and then it was like warp speed fast forward to playing out how that would actually go down.  It would start with a couple of tasting drinks, then to a couple of glasses of wine and then to a bottle or maybe even two, I would text my friend who was expecting me and make some lame excuse as to why I wasn't going to make it like I said I was and then I would get behind the wheel drunk and crash my car on a sharp corner.  Life would be over.  Whether behind bars or in a grave, it would be over.  That whole thought process took a matter of seconds, but that last part was a very important part because thinking about the consequences never even entered my mind when I was drinking.  Visualizing the consequences and taking that moment to really be present is a wonderful coping skill.  That moment scared the crap out of me though.  Since then I've done a lot of heavy duty reflecting, inventory taking and accountability finding.  The good news is that I'm not lost.  The even better news is that I've just kind of been struggling in the bushes right now, but I'm still paralleling the path.  Let me share with you how I got here:

• We got hit by the tree on August 3rd, 2013 - This did real physical damage to me and my oldest daughter and put me out of being able to hike for over a year.
• I met an amazing man who has had a terrible year and a half, who leads a very sedentary lifestyle - I failed to recognize that I was slowly compromising myself and my needs for him and his and in doing so I was bankrupting my emotional and physical needs for his.
• I got a huge opportunity at work - Which came with lots of stress, lots of hours and I frequently gave up my lunches and breaks to stay caught up with the demand.
• My Dad got diagnosed with cancer - My funny, strong, caring, superhero Daddy isn't invincible and he's not going to live forever and that's a lot to come to terms with.
• My Brother and his drama-mamas - My brother and I aren't talking and that hurts my heart.
• I stopped journaling - I found myself with no time so instead of saying no to one of the volunteer commitments or to my boyfriend and protecting that much needed time to journal, I stopped journaling.  At first it was a day here and there and then it was weeks at a time to now months have passed.
• I stopped therapy - Granted my therapist told me I really didn't need to go any longer and I could use the extra money back in my budget so this one was a choice made with a lot of thought and had this been the only self-care thing I cut out, then I don't think I would be where I am now.
• I stopped going back to Schick - I used to go back to Schick-Shadel Hospital to reconnect for dinner with my sober friends on Wednesday evenings and attend a women's support group but instead of saying no to my volunteer commitments or working out some other arrangements, I let this slide too.
• My Ex-husband would not commit to a schedule - Over the past year and a half I haven't known if he is working graveyard, swing or day shift. He's had our daughters less than ever before which has put extra stress on me and them because we couldn't get a regular routine down and I was having to change my schedule at the last minute to make sure that the girls could have time with their Dad.
• I didn't celebrate my Sobriety Birthday - Once again, I let life get in the way and compromised this special tradition of going back to Schick-Shadel on my sober anniversary to celebrate and share and reconnect with those who are at the very beginning of their sobriety.
• I stopped making time for friends - Between work, volunteer commitments, kids and a boyfriend, I slowly stopped making spending time with my friends a priority. I only made it to half of the Bunco nights, and stopped calling my bestie on a regular basis.

There's more, but these are the most share worthy bullet point items that I think others can relate to and identify with.  Where does this leave me?  Well, on a sad note, I think that the boyfriend and I are probably over but I hope that we can transition from a romantic love relationship to a friendship relationship.  Here's where I am now:

• Re-focusing on my sobriety.
• Make self care a priority.
• Exercise.
• Get back to Wednesday's at Schick.
• Listen to my gut.
• Trust myself.
• Sleep 8 hours.
• Take my breaks.
• Eat healthy.
• Say no.
• Set healthy boundaries.
• Make friendships a priority.
• Journal.

Life is absolutely wonderful when I do these things.  Even when it's challenging it still feels effortless and like a gift.  When I don't take good care of myself then life becomes frustrating, hectic, stressed, hurried and feels like a struggle.  

I am choosing the life that feels effortless and like a gift.  I am grateful for my sobriety.

Life in Recovery is...

My youngest at the beach.

My oldest at the beach.

Presenting an award as PTA President.

...FULL.  Plentiful.  Colorful.  Joyful.  Meaningful.  Hopeful.  Playful.  Bountiful.  Wonderful.  Graceful.  Insightful.  Fruitful.  Grateful.  Faithful.  Eventful.  Thoughtful.  Restful.  Healthful.  Prayerful.  Impactful.  Flavorful.  Skillful.  Tactful.  Regardful.  Changeful.  Resourceful.  Cheerful.  Merciful.  Rightful.  Senseful.  Truthful.  Trustful.  Thankful.  Powerful.  Peaceful.  Lawful.  Tasteful.  Prideful.  Gleeful.  Soulful.  Wakeful.  Mindful.  Helpful.  Careful.  Willful.  Artful.  Life in recovery is beautiful.  

My list could go on and on and on because for me living life sober is finally living life to the fullest!  

Every moment of these past three years of sobriety hasn't been easy.  Some have been harder than others.  But every moment has been authentic and real and I've been present to really live through each and every bit of it which has been the best boost of confidence I could ever get.  Nothing boosts your confidence better than when you accomplish something and nothing feels like more of an accomplishment to me than living life present and sober and not just surviving it, but learning and thriving in it.  

Day 4 - Duffy #2

Monday - 04.04.2011

9:36 am - Morning Groups one and two completed and breakfast eaten and showered, dressed and bed made.  I slept fitfully last night.  My sleep was littered with several dreams.  A couple that woke me, but none that I easily recall the content of, at least not now.  I remember waking from one, using the bathroom and thinking maybe I should write it down in my journal now, but the thought of turning on the light and writing seemed like a jeopardy to more sleep so I passed on the idea and subsequently have forgotten what the dream was about.

     It feels really good to get up and start my day with hope and contentment with myself.  More importantly, it has been so relaxing to also wake up without pressure and stress.  Just content with the schedule here and the knowledge that all that matters right now is me.  Am I okay?  What can I do at this moment to be okay?  And that is how my days here progress, moment by moment. 

     I've been reading the card you gave me over and over again.  It has become part of my daily affirmation ritual.  Both comforting on a personal level of "I" and the external level of "me".  I believe in me, and you believe in me.  What a great place to start. 

     My first group this morning and apparently every morning is called Breakfast of Champions.  This morning's facilitator was Jeremiah.  He was excellent!  This morning's topic was the drama triangle.  The drama triangle has three sides and each side is represented by a role, and the roles are interdependent upon each other to fuel the process of the triangle.  The dysfunctional process of the triangle. 

1. Perpetrator
2. Victim
3. Rescuer

     Perpetrators attack people not issues or behavior.  They tear down a person, or the Victim in the triangle.  Victims suffer from poor me syndrome, and get so comfortable with the attention that comes from being the victim that they will recreate patterns or situations where they can continue to play the role of victim.  Rescuers like to hold onto information and not share so that they can create the scenario where they can come to the rescue. 

     As soon as Jeremiah started describing the roles and giving examples.  I was able to immediately identify Dierdra as a Rescuer who turns to Perpetrator to perpetuate her ability to play the Rescuer.  And I step right in and play the Victim because it's a dynamic and role I am familiar with. 

     So Jeremiah gave us some practical examples of how to step out of the triangle at whatever role you're playing.  As the Victim it begins with problem solving, assertiveness, and establishing boundaries to protect my self worth.  This is an area that I definitely want to explore deeper, practice, and get help through counseling on.

     I will begin by practicing my assertiveness while I am here.  Starting with using my voice and setting some boundaries with my roommate.  I am sure I will have ample opportunities over the course of this day much less any of the five remaining days. 

     Group two this morning was also facilitated by Jeremiah and the title is Beauty and the Beast.  This one is all about creating the life that I want.  My real self versus my Ideal self and how to get there.  What an incredibly powerful discussion this was.  I was provided with some simple, practical, straight forward ways to identify what is core to me right now, what the negative or beast of those things are, and then how to ask myself what do I need to do to get there.  To achieve the life, the self that I know I am capable of.  It was absolutely a changing moment for me.  Take five things and work on just those.  Practice and perfect, then re-evaluate, identify the next five and work on those.  A constant evolution on the wall of me.  Build it, tear it down, repair it, love it, analyze it, live with it, whatever - the point is to be active in the process of living life as my ideal self at all times.  Free of punishment and negativity.  Living with myself with integrity first and everything else will follow.  I really like that.  I am embracing this. 

     Time to go drink lots of fluids and get my mind in gear for fighting my addiction to alcohol.  Time to reflect on all of the negative that alcohol has brought to my life and use that energy to fuel my aversion treatment.

     Remind me to tell you about Pat O'Day's talk last night.  It was so empowering and hope filled.  What an amazing and inspirational man. 

1:52 pm - I'm on deck for Duffy #2.  The board says that my treatment will begin at 3:00 pm.  My anxiety level is through the roof right now because the treatment is so awful, but I know how necessary it is so I'm not going to complain.  You should have had counseling today and are probably just settling back into work from that. 

     I found your quick note of an email this morning when I checked.  I'm trying to fight back this feeling of disappointment that I'm feeling because I was hoping for a more thoughtful conversation kind of message from you.  Except the more I fight it the more it seems to come out so I'm trying a different tack.  Trying to look at why I am disappointed?  At least you did write something, even though it wasn't the deep, meaningful kind of message I was hoping for, you did write and I need to learn how to be happy and accepting of that.  Be content with everything you do put into our relationship and quit holding onto the what you don't do part.  Maybe with you, I play the Persecutor?  I think I do.  Not always, but with stuff like this I think I do.  I go in expecting you to fail, and get very critical of you and set strict limits.  Most of the other time with you I tend to be a Rescuer, also in the rest of my life - total Rescuer.  I'm reading through this list of traits to the Rescuer and it pretty much sums me up.  Yikes!  I know at different times I play all three roles, I can see that now.  One of the handouts that Jeremiah gave us is a table of dramatic roles and the Playing Childhood Roles vs. The Authentic Adulthood Roles.  This is Something that I need to review daily until being authentic becomes my core automatic response so that I can get out of the drama triangle.  

     I should apologize to you for my part or playing my roles in the triangle with you.  I'm seeing that we both have had our roles from time to time, which center around our core issues that we need to work on.  The good news is that we are also able to have healthy dialogue with each other.  That is the foundation I would like to build on with you, to practice with you until it becomes our norm our automatic.  I feel safe with you.  A safe intimacy where I can be vulnerable, much like the hospital, where I can tell you anything and we can just talk about it.  I hope you feel that with me too.  I think that simple truth between us is pure magic.

     It's interesting to listen to the other patients in Group because you get a sense about who's still in denial and not going to be real successful and who's really engaged here.  Unfortunately there's a couple of them that enjoy hearing themselves talk so much that they hog up the discussion time.  Sometimes that can be a bit frustrating.  But I guess on the positive side, it is giving me practice to be able to identify the behaviors that aren't healthy and thing about when I, myself have acted similarly, so that I can work on correcting that behavior in me.  I'm trying to find a whole new world of coping skills that will put me on the path of being able to live my life as an authentic adult.

     Pat O'Day talked to us last night.  He apparently visits the hospital to speak every nine days.  He and ten other people actually own the hospital now.  He gave some interesting history on the hospital, but the best part of his talk is how he said that each of us are people of the finest character, the smallest percentage of a huge population of people in addiction, who made the decision to come to Schick.  That was extremely comforting to me.  Especially since I've been so low, so down on myself, to have someone who's been exactly where I am now say that I am a person of good character at my core because I made the choice to get help.

5:08 pm - I am nauseated, feeling miserable physically but mentally I'm doing okay.  Duffy #2 is less than two hours from total completion now.  This is the part where it's just me and my thoughts for the three hours after your treatment is administered.  In other words, after they've made you puke your guts out after drinking some of your favorite alcoholic beverages.  The wash cloth soaked in alcoholic beverage is right here beside me, wafting warmly across my nose the scents of Blue Moon ale and white wine, which churns my already upset stomach further.  Then there's my buddy the barf pan, full of my last vomit or emesis from the "booster" shot of beer and ipecac. Did I mention that they don't serve any alcohol chilled here?  Because that would make it seem refreshing and we can't have that, so we get everything at room temperature.  During today's treatment I had no problem barfing after my first four beverages.  But then she loaded me up with the next four and nothing was coming up.  That's when I got to swish and spit with whiskey - GROSS - and shove a tongue depressor down my throat until it all came up.  Or at least until it started to come up.  The rest came up back here in my room with the booster.  

     Did I mention that I am wearing depends?  Oh yeah Baby!  Rocking the adult diapers!  The diarrhea hasn't started yet, but this time my ass (literally) is prepared!  I know, sexy right?

     I've been reading in one of the books that I've been given here called 'Emotional Sobriety'.  So far so good.  It's a little dry, written with more of a clinical dryness, but the subject matter is excellent.  Especially as it relates to relationship trauma, and bringing your emotional and physical self to resilience and balance.

     I found your afternoon email to me.  Thank you for sending me well wishes and positive thoughts.  I too have been thinking about you.  Seeing your note gave me pause to smile even though I'm feeling so crappy at the moment.

     Pat O'Day talked last night about the importance of rewarding ourselves for our journey to sobriety.  He went and learned how to fly which sounds like a super cool reward.  Something that I have been thinking about now too - what would be a great reward for me?  I think I want a really nice pen to start off with.  One with substance, weight, balance and good fluid lines.  Maybe a Mont Blanc?  I'm not sure, but I am going to save up and go pen shopping as my reward to self for doing this hard work to be sober.  

     Plus every time I hold that pen it will be so symbolic to me, can you imagine?  I like the idea of it.  A constant positive reminder of what I've done, and who I've become.  And when my emotions, feelings, stress or life feels like it's going out of control, I can pick up that pen and write about it.  I can begin to find balance with small changes like that.  Minor adjustments to affect huge change or metamorphosis.

     Funny side note - I just moments ago realized there is a ribbon bookmark attached to this journal!  Are you laughing?  I hope so.  I'm smiling and shaking my head at myself.  Sometimes I can miss some of the most obvious things.

     Miriam Weston found me today before my Duffy.  Turns out she's a billing specialist here, not a nurse.  That's what I get for making assumptions.  We had a really nice visit.  She has ended up in a condo down in Lost Creek Village.  That's the complex where I think I'm going to end up living.  She's 62 years old now, although you wouldn't know it unless she told you.  Which means she was 52 when we bought the house from her and Ray and their daughter was 10 at the time.  So Miriam was 42 when she had Shelly.  She said Shelly is in college now.  Time sure does fly by.  I think Miriam and I are going to become better friends because of my treatment.  I can just feel it. 



      

Day Three - The First Sleepy

Sunday                              04.03.2011

     8:54am - Getting to the journal later today because I began my day by embracing my routine with the mindset that today is going to be a good day.  One key difference is that I did not set my alarm.  So my day began when the Orderly came in at 5:30am to take my vitals.  After he left, I decided my day should begin.  I got up, opened my blinds and allowed myself to be amazed by the view.  The quiet pre-dawn stillness of the morning was so precious. 

     I showered, put on fresh scrubs, bundled my personal and hospital dirty laundry, made my bed, brushed my teeth, and then I did something very cool.  I sat on the edge of my bed, looking out the window, but also at my reflection in the glass and I recited my affirmations to myself.  Then it was time to go downstairs for the first Group of the day.  

     There are Group counseling sessions at 6:30am, 7:30am, 3:15pm, 7:00pm, and 8:30pm, every day and they are mandatory.  The only time that you are allowed to miss a group is when you are in a treatment or recovering from a treatment.

     I have a new roommate.  Her name is Cindy.  She's an older woman with a shock of curly white hair.  Cindy's here also for alcohol addiction and she came all the way from Alaska.  She has a big family and her and her husband live quite remotely.  In the short time we got to visit I am finding her to be a gutsy, independent, take charge kind of gal.  She also made the decision to come to Schick on her own.  I like that.  I hope I get to know her better.  Even though I was resistant to having a roommate initially, I am choosing to keep an open mind about it, and about Cindy.

     Okay - now that the distraction that happened has been talked about, back to Group this morning.  Before it started I was looking through my binder, getting prepared to start Group, and I turned to my binder journal page where I left off last night, and I looked at the doodles I had drawn and it hit me how critical I had been with myself when I was drawing them last night.  Telling myself everything that was wrong with the things I had drawn.  Continuing to talk to myself so poorly - why?  It's funny how I didn't really realize or recognize it until this morning though.  I think that moment was an important break through for me.   At least an important first step in the right direction.

     My only classmate here is Suzie.  She is from Colorado.  I find her delightful.  I really like her.  We have a made a commitment to trade information and stay in touch.  She and I seem to have some common issues that we struggle with so I am finding her insight and stories to be pretty helpful for me, or at least more relative to me than some of the other patients here.  I also think that it is divine intervention that it's just me and Suzie in class together.  Not that we're "in class" but that she's my sister in arms during this battle, no one else, especially no men.  Not that it would be a problem, but this way there's no possibility.  It's just me and Suzie.  Because I watch some of the men here, especially the men around my age and they are all over the couple of attractive women in their class.  It's pretty disgusting really.  And sad too.  And these two girls/women are eating up the attention.  I find that behavior counter productive but also an easy trap to fall into.  So that's why I'm glad that it's just me and Suzie.

     I'm so hungry right now.  With my first Sleepy happening today I have been on a complete fast for the entire day since midnight.  My Sleepy doesn't happen until 11:45am so right now I am incredibly thirsty and hungry and I have a headache.  The Sleepy is the slang name for a Rehabilitation Interview which is performed with anesthesia, and in this case, specifically with propofol.  Apparently Schick used to use sodium pentatol or Truth Serum, but have since gone to the propofol, which is the same anesthetic that was being administered to Michale Jackson at the time of his death.  So the stuff is not without danger.  They make us fast from midnight before so that we don't end up aspirating food or liquid into our lungs during the procedure.

     With the rotation of Duffy (puking) and Sleepy (fasting) on an every other day schedule, there's not a whole lot of eating going on for me.  Maybe I'll drop a few pounds while I'm here too.  :)  One can hope right?!  


     Anyway, so with fasting and being hungry it made Group #2 of the morning difficult, because it was about blood sugar levels and how blood sugar going too low can cause an addict to relapse.  So she talked to us about how we can protect our abstinence by eating a balanced diet - which talked a lot about food and got my tummy grumbling!  Torture I tell you.


     Alright, it's now 10:05am and it is time to reward myself for working so hard this morning.  My reward is reading my Sue Grafton novel.  I really enjoy reading.  I think it will become a daily routine for me now.  I like treating it like a reward for my own personal good behavior.  I probably won't talk to you again until after my sleepy and counseling sessions today - so the next conversation will be a deep and thoughtful one. 


     6:08pm - Time to reflect on my Sleepy...wow.  It began with a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist (CRNA) and a typist in the room.  The typist starts with reading the affirmations that I have selected while the CRNA administers the anesthesia.  They take you to level of subconsciousness and then ask more questions.  I remember repeating my affirmations, but after that - nothing - until I'm in a different room across the hall opening my eyes and thinking - "Where am I and how did I get here?"  Kind of creepy if you want my honest opinion.


     I was so nervous going in that I might say that I really want to kill myself or something else horrible that would require them to call authorities and have me committed.  All that nervousness was still there when I came to and it wasn't dissipated until my debrief counseling session with Patricia at 2:00pm.


     What I learned is that I really don't like myself, even at a subconscious level.  I learned that I am very angry.  I learned that you are considered to be a true friend and motivator to me.  I have an appreciation for you even subconsciously.  I learned that I cannot continue to watch the Real Housewives because I believe them to be a trigger for me and dangerous to my recovery and abstinence.  I learned that the months when I was pregnant and nursing my girls, I consider to be the best time of my life.


     These were all answers that I gave under sedation.  In reviewing my answers with me Patricia gave me some questions that I can ask myself during the next Sleepy.  


     First question:  What do I need to do to create closure with my childhood?


     Second question:  What is it I am so angry about and how do I resolve my anger?


     Then she also gave me some additional affirmations to have read to me to directly counteract my negative self image.

I LOVE MYSELF

I AM VALUABLE

     Because that was something else that came out is that I use sex to hurt myself and to feel valuable as a person.  She said it's apparent that I am acting out in response to childhood trauma and that I get drunk so that I can be free to express the anger that I am holding in and onto, then I crave closeness, love, and security, so I go for the quick fix by finding random men to have sex with, but by choosing random men and degrading myself like that I am also filling my need to punish myself.  Then the cycle continues.

     Patricia gave me a book and a workbook that goes with the book.  The book is called Emotional Sobriety by Tian Dayton, PhD and in it there is apparently a lot of good information about relationship trauma, which is what Patricia says is part of what I suffer from.  She said I'm very angry with my parents and that relationship trauma is affecting my ability to be a fully functional adult.  I couldn't agree more.

     Did I mention that the diarrhea hasn't stopped since yesterday?  Thought I would throw that in here.  I finally asked for some Imodium right before I sat down to journal this evening.  

     Okay back to counseling.  Patricia suggested that I might find it helpful to write a letter to my parents, even if I never give it to them, just to express my feelings and find my voice.  I think that sounds like a great idea.

I LOVE MYSELF

I AM VALUABLE

     I just had to say it again.  I think I need to say it until I believe it and then keep saying it.  Time to go to group for some more of the good stuff!  

     

                            

        


   
     

Day 2 - The First Duffy?

                                                              Saturday                                                    04.02.11


     4:59am - It's your birthday today.  Before I left, you told me that this was going to be the best present I could give you, it's also the best present I've ever given myself.  Sure the bed sucks, the food is marginal, the building is old and run down, but there is something so rich, so luxurious about the other 'amenities' here.  Like freedom.  Freedom to just be with myself - good, bad, or otherwise - I am free to shed the weight of the world, leave all my baggage from one end of the building to the other.  And of course, I mean emotional baggage.  I walked through the doors here and I was actually free to breathe and believe.  Another great one is trust.  Everyone here trusts me to be here for the right reasons and trusts me to do this.  No one says 'if' or even pokes a modicum of doubt in my direction.  That brings me to the amenity of belief.  That's one of the more incredible and rare ones.  As soon as I walked in I had an overwhelming feeling of belief wrap around me and take hold.  Through freedom and trust, I am able to believe in myself.  I can do this.  I am doing this. 


     Last night during group Reynaldo (the counselor) said something that caught my attention.  Truth be told, Reynaldo said a lot that caught my attention.  He's a very gifted speaker and counselor, I can just tell.  Even though I haven't had a private session with him, his abilities in group were nothing short of stellar.  Anyway, I digress...so last night he said something to the effect that "[he]...has met and had the pleasure to get to know many of [us], and several of [us] have brilliant minds, cerebral, high thinkers, exceptionally smart, but people like that have problems when it comes to feelings because [they] don't know "how" they feel..."


     WOW!  That's what I thought at that moment.  I thought WOW - THAT'S ME!  Reynaldo went on to describe or explain in more detail what he was talking about and he totally described me.  Because I can problem solve like crazy.  But you ask me how I feel and I get dumb.  Big time dumb.  I do default to generalized, blanket statements like "down" or "low".  And when he explained how that has to be drilled down to the real emotions I was really amazed, and impressed.  I want to learn how to do that.  Okay so I'm down, but why?  What's the real emotion?  I am going to ask about this with my counselor when I get to have my private sessions.


     Today is a good day.  I am a good person.  I am in control of my life.  I am making good choices.


     11:23am - Holy cram am I drained?!!!?!!!  I just had my first individual counseling session with Reynaldo and I am wiped out.  He got me talking about so much crap that I haven't wanted to deal with.  And he scared me.  He scared me real bad.  He teaches a course and specializes in generational issues and he said that so much of what i have experienced are generational, meaning passed on from one generation to the next, and if I don't deal with my demons then they will become my daughters demons.  He showed me how so many of the ways that I react to situations has nothing to do with the situation, but everything  to do with my baggage, my past traumas and experiences.  It became my motivation to continue care after Schick, to break the cycle.   


     Reynaldo said that I have some really big, serious issues that will require patience and time to work through.  He was actually surprised that I haven't committed suicide and have ended up here for a first step.  He said that with a history like mine, it wasn't a matter of if, just when I would take my own life.  That was frightening to hear, but I also agreed with him.  That's why I sought help.  Real help.


     He left me with one thing to focus on, which is hope.  By showing up and being committed to work on the alcohol addiction, I can also get direction to deal with my mental health, to become in charge of my life and break the cycle.  He said I have more to deal with than soldiers coming home from bad wars.  That's pretty hard to not only hear, but to come to terms with.  But that's what I'm committed to do.  I am dealing with all of my baggage.  I am breaking the cycle.  This stops with me.  I have hope.


     So my first Duffy starts in about 2.5 hours.  I am dealing with my addiction to alcohol first.  That is my goal for today.  To survive my first Duffy.  Wish me luck!


     5:10pm - First Duffy same as done!  OMG!  What an experience.  I feel like shit.  I'm on the last thirty minutes of my three hour stay in my room after each Duffy.  This time is to be spent focused on my recovery and addiction.  I have been focusing on all the things alcohol has ruined in my life, all the problems it has caused.  They sent me back with a washcloth soaked in wine to smell this whole three hours while I focus on the nausea to help create that negative association and build my aversion.  It's a technique that is working for me.  I've never wretched so much in my life.  Now the diarrhea is kicking in - oh no!  This is "Oh my God I am going to shit my pants before I make it to the toilet" kind.  Forceful like someone turned on the spigot.  Afraid to fart because I'll poop kind.  Eeks!             

Day 1 of 10 - A Conversation Begins...

What I am about to share with you, is verbatim (save personal details that might identify people who shall remain anonymous) from my journal during my ten days as a patient at Schick Shadel.  I have never journaled before in my life, and what you are about to read are my innermost thoughts, feelings, and raw emotions as they happened, while I went through one of the most life changing experiences of my entire life.  You are being invited into the conversation that is otherwise known as my journal.  For context, when I first began writing in my journal, which was a gift from a dear friend, it was easiest for me to write as if having a conversation with that same friend.  Enjoy.



Friday - 04.01.2011


"Strong, confident and on purpose, the new chapter of your life begins."  ~Anonymous



     You couldn't be more correct and wrong all at the same time!  I was so scared this morning.  Even secretly hoping that once I got here they would turn me away for one reason or another.  That's why I called you.  To keep me moving forward.  That extra little push in the right direction.  I'm so glad you called me back.  Because I think I would've fretted the whole time I was here, wondering where you were and blaming you for my failure at this program, but really I think I was almost hoping you wouldn't answer or call me back so I could have an excuse to fail.  A reason to fail, that wasn't me.  But we both know that it wouldn't have been you, it's me.  That's the whole point in this, it's mine, it's me, it's not something I can continue to not accept responsibility for. That's the deal right there.  Take responsibility.  


     Great news is that you are a wonderful treasure, a true friend at the very core, and you talked to me this morning, and allowed me a little freak out, and stayed so calm and supportive, and for that my friend, I am eternally thankful.  You helped me close the gate on the loading chute so that this scared heifer couldn't back out. 


     Then I got here and got into admissions only to learn from my admissions counselor that Miriam Weston works here!  You're probably asking -- who's Miriam Weston?  Well, Miriam and Ray Weston are the people that Jim and I bought our house from 10 years ago!  What a small stinking world!


     It was so odd and random how that whole subject even came up, but Darrell White, my admissions counselor was asking about my address, saying are you down in the dip on 288th?  I said, you sound like you're familiar with the area, so I explained where my house is and he says "You must've lived next to Miriam Weston."  And I was like "Uh...nope, actually she's who I bought the house from!"  Too crazy huh?


     So I have my first group session to attend.  It starts in 15 minutes.  They announce the sessions on a PA system.  This is the 3:15pm session.  I've had relaxation therapy already today too, which was pretty awesome.  Remind me to tell you about it after Group.


     Before I go to Group, I have to tell you that my lunch here today was tomato soup and grilled cheese and ham sandwich.  I found that to be so fitting and comforting all at the same time.  And warmly, pleasantly reminiscent of you.  I will write more on those thoughts later too.  I'm on the right path.  I can feel it.  I know it.  It's hard and scary, but right.


     9:02pm-Day 1 is almost over and I just got back to my room from the last two group sessions of the day.  The first was about family and all of the dimensions that family adds to my recovery.  I took notes (you know me) and got a ton of really good information from this session.  I found more self enlightenment in the personal stories others shared.  Things that I do that break down communication.  Ways that I contribute to the dysfunction in my family and marriage and pretty much every part of my life.  My communication isn't bad all the time, but I was able to recognize times when I bring my baggage into the communication and allow it to influence me, my emotions, and my ability to effectively communicate.  I do it most notably with you, or maybe I should say that the times I do it with you are the easiest for me to recognize.  I also learned that on the great side of things, all in all, you and I actually have very GOOD communication.  Now that I have identified my part in the times we don't AND asked how do I quit doing that AND been given some great tools to try, I believe that our communication will only get even better...and you know what?  That makes me so HAPPY!


     Okay on a side note - these twin beds are the smallest twin beds - if beds come in a slender version then this is it!  I feel like a giant and I am truly afraid that I will roll right off this thing and ker-plunk on the floor!  Plus trying to find a place to journal that's comfortable is next to impossible, but I'm managing to make it work.  


Interesting thing I spotted in the cafeteria tonight on the wall to the right of the pass window where we get our food, there's a framed photo of a pea pod with peas in it.  How cool is that?!  It gave me a moment to pause, smile and reflect on how much I appreciate you and our relationship.  It was like another reminder that I am in the right place.


     I need to tell you about the relaxation / meditation thing.  It's a DVD with subliminal visual and audio.  I wasn't too hip on the idea, but, I gave it a try by listening and watching.  The disc lasts 30 minutes.  I was out at about 18 minutes in I think and I didn't wake up for two hours!  I felt amazing when I woke up too.  Maybe I was just tired?  I don't think so -- I think I'm a believer in the power of the meditation and subliminal message.  Is that crazy?


     I'm proud of myself.  I haven't given into laziness today.  There's a TV in my room (which is all mine right now by the way) and I have chosen not to veg out to the boob tube but rather read the materials and work in my workbook all day.  I'm making this time count and making the most of this time.

     I found out that I have to come back at 30 and 90 days out for Recap treatment, which is two days each AND I have to do another 'SLEEPY' and another 'DUFFY' each Recap.  Eeeks!  I didn't know about that part, but I guess it's these follow up treatments that help make this a lifetime change, so I'm in all the way!


     My first Duffy happens tomorrow afternoon.  I can't eat for 6 hours prior.  A Duffy is patient slang for counter conditioning therapy.


     I'm going to read for a little while then sleep now.  My day starts at 0600HRS -- no rest for the wicked...or in this case -- the addicted!  Hey, wouldn't that be a great name for a book?  "No rest for the addicted" I like it.  Maybe I should write it?  Goodnight!