Sobriety is Sacred

Imagine the most dear of dearest things that you can think of, something that you will fiercely protect, even die to protect; that is what sobriety is.  Sobriety holds infinite amounts of strength and goodness.  It is beautiful and bright and vibrant.  Sobriety is the holy grail for the alcoholic, the golden challis that shall forever be empty and held in both hands, never to know alcohol again.

I like the challis analogy because holding sobriety dear and sacred is like one of those individual immunity challenges on Survivor; it's just you and your sobriety and if you ever let go, even for a moment, what you face is relapse and you could be out of sobriety forever.

I am now four years sober as of April 10th, 2015.  For the first three years I worked my sobriety on a daily basis.  Kept my journal, wrote and blogged about recovery, kept in contact with my new sober friends from rehab, went to therapy twice a week, read books for personal and spiritual growth, was physically active and feeding my soul in many ways every day.  My heart was full of gratitude, humility and I was genuinely grateful for every new morning when my sober eyes would open and I would turn to my journal to share my thoughts and perspectives about the previous day and the day ahead.  In short I was focused.

Life in sobriety has been great.  Amazing even.  Not short of challenges, but with all of my new coping skills, I have handled those challenges well and never once relapsed.  I was improving and progressing in every area of my life.  I had secured stable housing, managed to convert my job from limited duration status to full time employee, paying bills off slowly, volunteering in my community and doing this whole sober adult thing pretty well.  Then I met someone and I let myself lose focus. Not all at once, but even a little is a dangerous thing because once you loosen your grip even a little, then the other fingers loosen up a little more and then pretty soon you realize that you've completely let go and can wake up to find yourself holding another bottle instead of that sacred challis of sobriety.

Now, before my friends and family freak out, I have not relapsed.  Let me repeat.  I have not relapsed but I have definitely lost focus and am self aware enough to recognize that old thought patterns are lurking right in the shadows waiting to pounce on my sobriety like a pack of hungry lions on weakened prey.  And that is why I am writing about it because maybe someone out there will read my story and know that they are not alone, that this life of sobriety isn't easy and that commitment is a fickle thing that you have to reaffirm on a daily basis.

The realization that I was on the verge of being in real trouble came for me about a week ago when I was driving past a vineyard with a tasting room and I thought "I could stop in there and have a flight of wine and no one will know."  Yes, that exact thought went through my brain for a split second and then it was like warp speed fast forward to playing out how that would actually go down.  It would start with a couple of tasting drinks, then to a couple of glasses of wine and then to a bottle or maybe even two, I would text my friend who was expecting me and make some lame excuse as to why I wasn't going to make it like I said I was and then I would get behind the wheel drunk and crash my car on a sharp corner.  Life would be over.  Whether behind bars or in a grave, it would be over.  That whole thought process took a matter of seconds, but that last part was a very important part because thinking about the consequences never even entered my mind when I was drinking.  Visualizing the consequences and taking that moment to really be present is a wonderful coping skill.  That moment scared the crap out of me though.  Since then I've done a lot of heavy duty reflecting, inventory taking and accountability finding.  The good news is that I'm not lost.  The even better news is that I've just kind of been struggling in the bushes right now, but I'm still paralleling the path.  Let me share with you how I got here:

• We got hit by the tree on August 3rd, 2013 - This did real physical damage to me and my oldest daughter and put me out of being able to hike for over a year.
• I met an amazing man who has had a terrible year and a half, who leads a very sedentary lifestyle - I failed to recognize that I was slowly compromising myself and my needs for him and his and in doing so I was bankrupting my emotional and physical needs for his.
• I got a huge opportunity at work - Which came with lots of stress, lots of hours and I frequently gave up my lunches and breaks to stay caught up with the demand.
• My Dad got diagnosed with cancer - My funny, strong, caring, superhero Daddy isn't invincible and he's not going to live forever and that's a lot to come to terms with.
• My Brother and his drama-mamas - My brother and I aren't talking and that hurts my heart.
• I stopped journaling - I found myself with no time so instead of saying no to one of the volunteer commitments or to my boyfriend and protecting that much needed time to journal, I stopped journaling.  At first it was a day here and there and then it was weeks at a time to now months have passed.
• I stopped therapy - Granted my therapist told me I really didn't need to go any longer and I could use the extra money back in my budget so this one was a choice made with a lot of thought and had this been the only self-care thing I cut out, then I don't think I would be where I am now.
• I stopped going back to Schick - I used to go back to Schick-Shadel Hospital to reconnect for dinner with my sober friends on Wednesday evenings and attend a women's support group but instead of saying no to my volunteer commitments or working out some other arrangements, I let this slide too.
• My Ex-husband would not commit to a schedule - Over the past year and a half I haven't known if he is working graveyard, swing or day shift. He's had our daughters less than ever before which has put extra stress on me and them because we couldn't get a regular routine down and I was having to change my schedule at the last minute to make sure that the girls could have time with their Dad.
• I didn't celebrate my Sobriety Birthday - Once again, I let life get in the way and compromised this special tradition of going back to Schick-Shadel on my sober anniversary to celebrate and share and reconnect with those who are at the very beginning of their sobriety.
• I stopped making time for friends - Between work, volunteer commitments, kids and a boyfriend, I slowly stopped making spending time with my friends a priority. I only made it to half of the Bunco nights, and stopped calling my bestie on a regular basis.

There's more, but these are the most share worthy bullet point items that I think others can relate to and identify with.  Where does this leave me?  Well, on a sad note, I think that the boyfriend and I are probably over but I hope that we can transition from a romantic love relationship to a friendship relationship.  Here's where I am now:

• Re-focusing on my sobriety.
• Make self care a priority.
• Exercise.
• Get back to Wednesday's at Schick.
• Listen to my gut.
• Trust myself.
• Sleep 8 hours.
• Take my breaks.
• Eat healthy.
• Say no.
• Set healthy boundaries.
• Make friendships a priority.
• Journal.

Life is absolutely wonderful when I do these things.  Even when it's challenging it still feels effortless and like a gift.  When I don't take good care of myself then life becomes frustrating, hectic, stressed, hurried and feels like a struggle.  

I am choosing the life that feels effortless and like a gift.  I am grateful for my sobriety.

Life in Recovery is...

My youngest at the beach.

My oldest at the beach.

Presenting an award as PTA President.

...FULL.  Plentiful.  Colorful.  Joyful.  Meaningful.  Hopeful.  Playful.  Bountiful.  Wonderful.  Graceful.  Insightful.  Fruitful.  Grateful.  Faithful.  Eventful.  Thoughtful.  Restful.  Healthful.  Prayerful.  Impactful.  Flavorful.  Skillful.  Tactful.  Regardful.  Changeful.  Resourceful.  Cheerful.  Merciful.  Rightful.  Senseful.  Truthful.  Trustful.  Thankful.  Powerful.  Peaceful.  Lawful.  Tasteful.  Prideful.  Gleeful.  Soulful.  Wakeful.  Mindful.  Helpful.  Careful.  Willful.  Artful.  Life in recovery is beautiful.  

My list could go on and on and on because for me living life sober is finally living life to the fullest!  

Every moment of these past three years of sobriety hasn't been easy.  Some have been harder than others.  But every moment has been authentic and real and I've been present to really live through each and every bit of it which has been the best boost of confidence I could ever get.  Nothing boosts your confidence better than when you accomplish something and nothing feels like more of an accomplishment to me than living life present and sober and not just surviving it, but learning and thriving in it.  

Day 2 - The First Duffy?

                                                              Saturday                                                    04.02.11


     4:59am - It's your birthday today.  Before I left, you told me that this was going to be the best present I could give you, it's also the best present I've ever given myself.  Sure the bed sucks, the food is marginal, the building is old and run down, but there is something so rich, so luxurious about the other 'amenities' here.  Like freedom.  Freedom to just be with myself - good, bad, or otherwise - I am free to shed the weight of the world, leave all my baggage from one end of the building to the other.  And of course, I mean emotional baggage.  I walked through the doors here and I was actually free to breathe and believe.  Another great one is trust.  Everyone here trusts me to be here for the right reasons and trusts me to do this.  No one says 'if' or even pokes a modicum of doubt in my direction.  That brings me to the amenity of belief.  That's one of the more incredible and rare ones.  As soon as I walked in I had an overwhelming feeling of belief wrap around me and take hold.  Through freedom and trust, I am able to believe in myself.  I can do this.  I am doing this. 


     Last night during group Reynaldo (the counselor) said something that caught my attention.  Truth be told, Reynaldo said a lot that caught my attention.  He's a very gifted speaker and counselor, I can just tell.  Even though I haven't had a private session with him, his abilities in group were nothing short of stellar.  Anyway, I digress...so last night he said something to the effect that "[he]...has met and had the pleasure to get to know many of [us], and several of [us] have brilliant minds, cerebral, high thinkers, exceptionally smart, but people like that have problems when it comes to feelings because [they] don't know "how" they feel..."


     WOW!  That's what I thought at that moment.  I thought WOW - THAT'S ME!  Reynaldo went on to describe or explain in more detail what he was talking about and he totally described me.  Because I can problem solve like crazy.  But you ask me how I feel and I get dumb.  Big time dumb.  I do default to generalized, blanket statements like "down" or "low".  And when he explained how that has to be drilled down to the real emotions I was really amazed, and impressed.  I want to learn how to do that.  Okay so I'm down, but why?  What's the real emotion?  I am going to ask about this with my counselor when I get to have my private sessions.


     Today is a good day.  I am a good person.  I am in control of my life.  I am making good choices.


     11:23am - Holy cram am I drained?!!!?!!!  I just had my first individual counseling session with Reynaldo and I am wiped out.  He got me talking about so much crap that I haven't wanted to deal with.  And he scared me.  He scared me real bad.  He teaches a course and specializes in generational issues and he said that so much of what i have experienced are generational, meaning passed on from one generation to the next, and if I don't deal with my demons then they will become my daughters demons.  He showed me how so many of the ways that I react to situations has nothing to do with the situation, but everything  to do with my baggage, my past traumas and experiences.  It became my motivation to continue care after Schick, to break the cycle.   


     Reynaldo said that I have some really big, serious issues that will require patience and time to work through.  He was actually surprised that I haven't committed suicide and have ended up here for a first step.  He said that with a history like mine, it wasn't a matter of if, just when I would take my own life.  That was frightening to hear, but I also agreed with him.  That's why I sought help.  Real help.


     He left me with one thing to focus on, which is hope.  By showing up and being committed to work on the alcohol addiction, I can also get direction to deal with my mental health, to become in charge of my life and break the cycle.  He said I have more to deal with than soldiers coming home from bad wars.  That's pretty hard to not only hear, but to come to terms with.  But that's what I'm committed to do.  I am dealing with all of my baggage.  I am breaking the cycle.  This stops with me.  I have hope.


     So my first Duffy starts in about 2.5 hours.  I am dealing with my addiction to alcohol first.  That is my goal for today.  To survive my first Duffy.  Wish me luck!


     5:10pm - First Duffy same as done!  OMG!  What an experience.  I feel like shit.  I'm on the last thirty minutes of my three hour stay in my room after each Duffy.  This time is to be spent focused on my recovery and addiction.  I have been focusing on all the things alcohol has ruined in my life, all the problems it has caused.  They sent me back with a washcloth soaked in wine to smell this whole three hours while I focus on the nausea to help create that negative association and build my aversion.  It's a technique that is working for me.  I've never wretched so much in my life.  Now the diarrhea is kicking in - oh no!  This is "Oh my God I am going to shit my pants before I make it to the toilet" kind.  Forceful like someone turned on the spigot.  Afraid to fart because I'll poop kind.  Eeks!             

Day 1 of 10 - A Conversation Begins...

What I am about to share with you, is verbatim (save personal details that might identify people who shall remain anonymous) from my journal during my ten days as a patient at Schick Shadel.  I have never journaled before in my life, and what you are about to read are my innermost thoughts, feelings, and raw emotions as they happened, while I went through one of the most life changing experiences of my entire life.  You are being invited into the conversation that is otherwise known as my journal.  For context, when I first began writing in my journal, which was a gift from a dear friend, it was easiest for me to write as if having a conversation with that same friend.  Enjoy.



Friday - 04.01.2011


"Strong, confident and on purpose, the new chapter of your life begins."  ~Anonymous



     You couldn't be more correct and wrong all at the same time!  I was so scared this morning.  Even secretly hoping that once I got here they would turn me away for one reason or another.  That's why I called you.  To keep me moving forward.  That extra little push in the right direction.  I'm so glad you called me back.  Because I think I would've fretted the whole time I was here, wondering where you were and blaming you for my failure at this program, but really I think I was almost hoping you wouldn't answer or call me back so I could have an excuse to fail.  A reason to fail, that wasn't me.  But we both know that it wouldn't have been you, it's me.  That's the whole point in this, it's mine, it's me, it's not something I can continue to not accept responsibility for. That's the deal right there.  Take responsibility.  


     Great news is that you are a wonderful treasure, a true friend at the very core, and you talked to me this morning, and allowed me a little freak out, and stayed so calm and supportive, and for that my friend, I am eternally thankful.  You helped me close the gate on the loading chute so that this scared heifer couldn't back out. 


     Then I got here and got into admissions only to learn from my admissions counselor that Miriam Weston works here!  You're probably asking -- who's Miriam Weston?  Well, Miriam and Ray Weston are the people that Jim and I bought our house from 10 years ago!  What a small stinking world!


     It was so odd and random how that whole subject even came up, but Darrell White, my admissions counselor was asking about my address, saying are you down in the dip on 288th?  I said, you sound like you're familiar with the area, so I explained where my house is and he says "You must've lived next to Miriam Weston."  And I was like "Uh...nope, actually she's who I bought the house from!"  Too crazy huh?


     So I have my first group session to attend.  It starts in 15 minutes.  They announce the sessions on a PA system.  This is the 3:15pm session.  I've had relaxation therapy already today too, which was pretty awesome.  Remind me to tell you about it after Group.


     Before I go to Group, I have to tell you that my lunch here today was tomato soup and grilled cheese and ham sandwich.  I found that to be so fitting and comforting all at the same time.  And warmly, pleasantly reminiscent of you.  I will write more on those thoughts later too.  I'm on the right path.  I can feel it.  I know it.  It's hard and scary, but right.


     9:02pm-Day 1 is almost over and I just got back to my room from the last two group sessions of the day.  The first was about family and all of the dimensions that family adds to my recovery.  I took notes (you know me) and got a ton of really good information from this session.  I found more self enlightenment in the personal stories others shared.  Things that I do that break down communication.  Ways that I contribute to the dysfunction in my family and marriage and pretty much every part of my life.  My communication isn't bad all the time, but I was able to recognize times when I bring my baggage into the communication and allow it to influence me, my emotions, and my ability to effectively communicate.  I do it most notably with you, or maybe I should say that the times I do it with you are the easiest for me to recognize.  I also learned that on the great side of things, all in all, you and I actually have very GOOD communication.  Now that I have identified my part in the times we don't AND asked how do I quit doing that AND been given some great tools to try, I believe that our communication will only get even better...and you know what?  That makes me so HAPPY!


     Okay on a side note - these twin beds are the smallest twin beds - if beds come in a slender version then this is it!  I feel like a giant and I am truly afraid that I will roll right off this thing and ker-plunk on the floor!  Plus trying to find a place to journal that's comfortable is next to impossible, but I'm managing to make it work.  


Interesting thing I spotted in the cafeteria tonight on the wall to the right of the pass window where we get our food, there's a framed photo of a pea pod with peas in it.  How cool is that?!  It gave me a moment to pause, smile and reflect on how much I appreciate you and our relationship.  It was like another reminder that I am in the right place.


     I need to tell you about the relaxation / meditation thing.  It's a DVD with subliminal visual and audio.  I wasn't too hip on the idea, but, I gave it a try by listening and watching.  The disc lasts 30 minutes.  I was out at about 18 minutes in I think and I didn't wake up for two hours!  I felt amazing when I woke up too.  Maybe I was just tired?  I don't think so -- I think I'm a believer in the power of the meditation and subliminal message.  Is that crazy?


     I'm proud of myself.  I haven't given into laziness today.  There's a TV in my room (which is all mine right now by the way) and I have chosen not to veg out to the boob tube but rather read the materials and work in my workbook all day.  I'm making this time count and making the most of this time.

     I found out that I have to come back at 30 and 90 days out for Recap treatment, which is two days each AND I have to do another 'SLEEPY' and another 'DUFFY' each Recap.  Eeeks!  I didn't know about that part, but I guess it's these follow up treatments that help make this a lifetime change, so I'm in all the way!


     My first Duffy happens tomorrow afternoon.  I can't eat for 6 hours prior.  A Duffy is patient slang for counter conditioning therapy.


     I'm going to read for a little while then sleep now.  My day starts at 0600HRS -- no rest for the wicked...or in this case -- the addicted!  Hey, wouldn't that be a great name for a book?  "No rest for the addicted" I like it.  Maybe I should write it?  Goodnight!