4 Months + 10 Days Later

Feeling compelled to write, I thought, "Well, before I start, let's just see how long I've been sober?"  So I "Googled" for a 'between two dates' calculator, and plugged in 03/13/2011 as the begin date (because that's actually the last time I woke up with a hangover) and today as the end date, clicked on the "include today in the calculation", and found that by providence, not coincidence, today just so happens to be exactly 4 months AND 10 days of sobriety for me! 

For those of us who have endured the grueling, although rewarding, 10 days of treatment at Schick-Shadel, the term "10 Days" becomes quite significant.  And today, no truer statement exists, than for me to say that without those "10 Days" I wouldn't have the 4 months that goes along with it.  Can I get an Amen to that Sisters?

This week has been very emotional for me.  I completed my 90 day recap treatment at Schick over the last weekend.  I set some healthy boundaries for myself in my personal life.  I hosted my first Bunco in sobriety at my home.  I have attended three support group meeting this week.  My daughters are still in California with their Dad.  And I had a person I care very much for show up on my doorstep this morning in their own emotional crisis. 

Through all of the happenings in just the past week, I have been reminded of and humbled by my importance here on earth.  I might not cure cancer, or fly to the moon, but my existence on this planet does make a difference, and sometimes even a profound difference in the lives of so many.  I am constantly surprised by the quiet voice in the corner of a Support Group meeting, or the email from another continent, that reaches me at just the time I need that extra bit of encouragement, that says "Thank you for sharing your story...because it helped."

There's such an important lesson for me in the events of this past week.  A reminder that I do my best work when I work on myself, and when I share MY story with others.  Not lofty ideas or theories.  Yes, I can share the theories as I learn them, but the important part is when I remember to not only share the idea or the theory, but how I made it work for me.

For example, hosting Bunco at my house this month.  I had a few moments of terrible anxiety about hosting Bunco.  My house wasn't ready, and with all of my best intentions, here I was down to the wire again and overwhelmed by this sense of failure that I was yet again doing the flight of the bumble bee to get my home in order and be prepared to welcome my friends.  So I had to think about that for a while.  Why was I so stressed?  Why was I so anxious?  And the answer was that I was going about it just like I always had back when I was drinking.  I was creating the chaos that would (previously) justify and give me a reason to get a good "buzz" on.  However, knowing that I am not that person anylonger, was the part of me that was creating this uneasiness inside of me.  My sober self was screaming from the inside "DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER".  

That's when I took an emotional inventory.  Why am I hosting Bunco?  Do I want to drink?  What do I want from hosting this Bunco?  What are my motives?  

The answers I came up with were encouraging for me.  I was hosting Bunco because I truly wanted to hang out with my girlfriends.  I wanted to have fun.  I wanted to be loud.  I wanted to laugh.  I wanted to celebrate my independence with my friends.  No where in that inventory did I ever find any answer that indicated that I wanted to drink.

Then I tried to figure out why I was feeling so overwhelmed.  And the biggest reason was because my lawn wasn't mowed and my house wasn't clean.

Armed with a more well defined understanding of my motives and knowledge of why my gut felt "off", I created a plan.  This is a little technique that they taught us in treatment, but I am still practicing it.  I thought about the situation and identified the most important aspects:  

1. I was hosting Bunco.
2. People would be showing up at my home at 6:30pm.
3. I had to serve food and beverages.
4. Bunco would either be played indoors or outdoors depending on the weather.  

Then I took those elements and set about writing down a plan that broke it into smaller, manageable, clearly defined tasks.  I made a point to allow myself time to actually make dinner from scratch because I wanted to force myself to do something different than I usually did, which was to buy a ready-made lasagna and throw that in the oven so I would have enough time to get my buzz on before everyone showed up.  I set time limits on those tasks.  I was flexible enough with myself to only make myself accountable to clean the public rooms where everyone would be hanging out.  I limited the playing to indoors which removed the need to mow the lawn.  And I was resolved and firm enough with myself to stick to the plan and ONLY do my best, not strive for perfection.  And you know what?

This was the first time that I've hosted Bunco and done all of the prep work myself.  I was completely prepared by the time my guests started arriving.  I was sober, I was sane, and I had a GREAT time.  But even more than that, I felt this AMAZING sense of accomplishment and fulfillment for what I did.  I felt so self reliant, self confident, and worthy.  Which allowed me to just "be" in the moment with my friends.  To be completely PRESENT in the moment with my friends.  I kicked stress out of the drivers seat of my life and firmly planted myself back in control of the wheel!

So...here I am, 4 months AND 10 days later, and alcohol no longer runs my life.  Stress no longer runs my life.  I am no longer on auto pilot.  Low self-esteem no longer controls me or my actions. 

I am present.  I am valuable.  I am worthy. I am sober.  I am a messenger of my journey.  I am love.                

Karma, Karma, Chameleon!

I have been a chameleon in life and up until just recently, I had always thought that was a good thing.  [Enter irrational thinking stage right.]  For those of you who have a healthy sense of self and self esteem, this might seem like a no-brainer to you, but to me, and those like me who do not or have not always had good self esteem, keep reading.


What I have learned is that every time I adapted or evolved myself to fit into my current surroundings, I was actually sacrificing my SELF.  Sounds crazy, right?  Because isn't it good to try to fit in?  Isn't it good to be adaptive?  And the answer to those questions is yes, but...and it's a BIG BUT...BUT...the caveat is, so long as you are not trying to fit in or adapt at the expense of yourself.  And that is the part that I never understood, because I never knew who I was.  At least not to the point that I was ready to stand up with pride and conviction for what was true to me.  I would change like the wind would blow.  Of course, this hasn't always been the case, and it is not a blanket statement about myself for every moment of my life.  Like any star, I had times when my truth would shine through and I would glimmer with brightness, but these times were always short-lived and usually followed by some major crisis that I would create through self-destructive or self-defeating actions.  


So why would I do those things?  Because I didn't believe in myself.  Did you know that right now is the first time I've ever really been alone in my life?  It is.  I've always gone from one serious or semi-serious relationship to another because I've always been other-dependent.  I've always needed (sometimes desperately so) the validation of another person to feel like I mattered or had worth in this world.  Even though people would tell me continually about how smart, talented, and beautiful I was; it didn't matter because I didn't believe it.  


That's why I think being a chameleon is one of the most dangerous, destructive things a person can do to their sense of self and esteem, because it's very easy to don a mask, and hide with your empty self in plain sight.  It wasn't until I took off the masks and admitted that I was completely absent of self esteem and empty on the inside that I was finally able to start healing.


I used to fill that hole with alcohol and other self-destructive behaviors.  Except that no matter how much alcohol I would pour down my throat, it was never enough to make me feel good.  Actually it never made me "feel" anything except numb, and at some point along the way, that numbness got to be my best friend.  That numbness was my coping skill.  That was it folks, that's all I had.  


Now that I do not turn to alcohol to cope, I have been able to identify that chameleon for the dangerous and insidious creature that it has been in my life.  I am finally able to say I know who I am, and that I really like myself.  I am a person that I really enjoy hanging out with.


How about you?  Do you like hanging out with yourself?          

Getting Love Right - My New Favorite Book!

If you haven't heard me say it yet, you're hearing me say it now...this is THE BEST BOOK EVER!!!!  It's called 'Getting Love Right' and it's by Terence Gorski.  Here's a link for you to check it out and get your own copy from my personal favorite book store ever, Powells Books - Getting Love Right.  


I first saw this gem of a book in the curio cabinet at Schick when I was perusing through the titles of books for sale after a Women's Support Group meeting the first or second week I was home from rehab.  The title grabbed me right away, and so I decided to buy it and see what I might learn, if anything, from it.


From the minute I started reading it, I knew that this book was going to teach me more about relationships than I have ever known.  I couldn't put it down.  Every page I read, led me deeper into a journey of self awareness that I've been eager to travel for some time, but never knew where to start.  


You see, I've always known that I have some issues when it comes to being in a relationship, or at least when it comes to making one work, because frankly, I have always felt like love shouldn't be this hard.  Now in the middle of divorce number two, and feeling like I know that better has to be out there, but I'm just not sure how to find it, or how to keep it.  I was looking for answers, for guidance, for awareness, and I found all that and so much more within the pages of this one amazing book!


The author, Terry Gorski, does an incredible job of illuminating what dysfunctional relationships look like, sound like, and feel like.  Then he takes it a step further to show you how a healthy relationship looks, sounds, and feels.  This book is chock full of very practical, and easily understandable terms and theories that I could really relate with and apply to my own life and relationship history.  


Reading this book was like getting to talk to an independent, unbiased third party, who could help me to understand the things that I do in a relationship that are dysfunctional and the things that I do that are healthy and how I can do less of the stuff that damages a relationship and more of the stuff that encourages a healthy relationship.  


It's going to take a whole lot of practice and patience on my part, but I am super excited and eager to work at it, because I feel like I too, can get love right!  

Who's My Baby?

I AM!


This is a question that I ask both of my girls all the time.  It's become something of a game with us, that the girls adore and love to prompt me to ask.  This little tradition started with Breck, my oldest before she could even talk or walk, where I would hold her little adorable self all wrapped in a towel, fresh from the bath, up in front of the medicine cabinet mirror and ask her "Who's my baby?" and then follow it up with "Breck is, Breck is!".  It has now evolved to where, Brenna, my youngest, now almost five years old, especially loves to come up to me and whisper in my ear, "Mama, say who's my baby."  And then I ask "Who's my baby?" and she gets a huge smile ear to ear and replies "I AM!" in cheerful, giggly sort of way, all giddy with excitement. 


It occurred to me today though, that this is also a great question to ask myself.  "Who's my baby?"  


For eight and a half years now, my answer has been Breck and Brenna are my babies.  While that answer is correct in every, very literal sense of the question, it also sheds a light into the darkness that consumed my life for so long, even before I had kids.  Because that answer leaves the most important person in my life out...ME.


I am very nearly 39 years old.  When asked to describe me, most people will use words like confident, tenacious, outgoing, tall, driven, and strong to name a few.  Some might even use words like arrogant, aggressive, sarcastic, conceited, bitch, and vain.  While still others might even venture out of the PG realm and...well...I won't publish language like that here.  Fact of the matter is that through the past nearly 39 years, I have been all of that and more, mostly with the help of alcohol.  But what I have never, ever, EVER been is sure of myself, because I didn't care about myself at all.


I'm working on that now though.  Through my treatment at Schick-Shadel Hospital I was given an opportunity to push the pause button on life for 10 days and think about only one person...ME.  Through the thoughtful and CARE-FULL attention of the counselors, nurses, and staff, I was shown the importance of putting myself first and foremost in life.  I now know that I have to be okay before I can be okay for anyone else, including my family, or perhaps even, most importantly for my family; namely my daughters.  


So ask me that question now.  "Who's my baby?"  My immediate reply is, "I AM!"  

Relapse, does it equal failure?

Relapse is so scary.  When I say the word relapse, what is the first thing that comes to your mind?  Who is the first person that you think of when you hear the word?  Do you think of the addict and what it means to them and the fact that they are using again?  Or do you consider the family or friends of the addict?  How about how relapse affects those in recovery with the person who has relapsed?  And what about the treatment program that the person just finished?  Do you think of that program and does it change your opinion about the effectiveness of that program?


When I had heard the word relapse before now and have had personal experience with relapse, the only person I ever thought of is the addict.  That was the only perspective that I could see or even consider.  I never understood that when a person relapses it's like rocking the boat of recovery and creating waves that ripple outward and affect everyone even remotely vested in that recovery effort.  For those closest emotionally to the addict, these waves roll in with the force and magnitude of a horrific tsunami.  Crashing into the already shaky foundations of trust, hope, and belief and breaking them apart with a violent force.  


To others, like those new friends that the addict made during treatment, these waves might roll in under the cover of huge dark clouds like a bad storm on the horizon.  Causing those friends to batten down the hatches and protect their own new sobriety from exposure to the storm they see on the horizon.  Which might leave the person in relapse feeling rejected or alone or like a failure.


The treatment program is like an island where the waves of relapse hit on every side.  The family questions the program, the friends question the program, the addict questions the program, and those that went through treatment with the person in relapse, might question the program and its effectiveness.  The signs of a world class program though, is one that always maintains a safe harbor for those in relapse to come back to.  A shelter from the waves of the relapse.  A shelter created from the confidence in their program and the knowledge that the program works whenever the person is completely ready to work it, and the knowledge that not everyone is ready the first time through.


Relapse is not failure.  Relapse is inevitable until the person battling addiction learns to face their emotional crises and triggers with something other than alcohol or drugs.  Relapse is inevitable until a person is ready to take off all of the masks and look in the mirror, to accept responsibility for their life.  To take ownership of their life.


With 30 days into my recovery journey, I am finding that I have a new perspective on relapse.  As a friend it is an opportunity for me to show compassion to the person who has relapsed.  As a person in recovery, it is a reminder of how easy relapse can happen if I don't protect my sobriety every day and learn how to deal with my emotional crises in healthy, rational ways instead of a bottle.


Relapse does not equal failure.  Relapse equals more practice needed at being sober.  
    

A Month in Reflection

Today, May 10th, is exactly one month to the day when I graduated from Schick-Shadel, and how did I spend it?  Well, nursemaiding to my sick daughters was part of it, washing the last remaining car signed up for the staff appreciation car wash was another, and it ended with attending the 7:00pm group session back at Schick this evening, topped off by staying for the gratitude session.  


What a month it has been!  The past couple of weeks have been personally challenging for me because I have been struggling with maintaining my worldly communication.  In lay terms, I haven't felt much like talking the past couple of weeks.  No, I haven't totally withdrawn, and I have kept up the lines of open communication with those closest to me, but the outward, more public talking has been a challenge.  


I think I did such a good job of expressing myself the first couple of weeks that I maybe ran short of fresh material?  Ha!  Nope, that's not it.  Honestly, I've been in an ebb of emotion.  Kind of a numbness of letting life as it is now sink in and settle over me for a while, and just not feeling real up to sharing about it.  I haven't even journaled for several days.  I've thought about it, but I've let those thoughts come and go and haven't been real diligent about keeping up that expression of myself these past two weeks.  


Don't get me wrong, I have been doing my work, but the work has been harder to do, if that makes any sense?  It's like I've hit a vein of really hard material below the soft loamy surface material that was kind of easy to dig into.  Now it's one painful swing of the pick axe after another, with only minor chips in the surface happening.  I can see and feel progress, but it's minuscule in comparison to the depths I dug up to now.  I imagine that this is pretty normal in the process of recovery and in the process of getting to know myself better.  Some things are bound to be easier to dig into than others and some times I am going to feel more like talking than others.


It is one month later though and I feel really good.  The sun shined today and I got to share another day with my family.  I get to check back into Schick this week for my 30 day recap treatment and I'm pretty darned excited about that.  I will get to see my sisters (the girlfriends that I made during treatment) again and we will get to share about our struggles and victories and I am really looking forward to that.  

Schick-Shadel Hospital - Beyond The Slogan

The Schick-Shadel Hospital slogan is "Give us 10 days, we'll give you back your life."


I hadn't heard the slogan before I made my decision to give Schick 10 days of my life, but I got very familiar with the slogan while I was there.  Now that I've been a graduate (that's what we're called - sounds good, doesn't it?) of the program for a couple of weeks, I've thought about that slogan a lot more.  Because of how profoundly different my perception is of that slogan now versus how it was when I first heard it.  


When I first read the slogan on the website during my research of the program, I didn't really give it much thought.  Then the day I drove to the hospital and admitted myself, I heard it again in the lobby while I was waiting to be checked in.  I recall thinking, "Wow, that's pretty cool" at the time, and my conscious thought was of this IDEAL LIFE that I had swimming around in my mind.  A concoction of what my perfect life looks like, and making that connection to the slogan.  So walking in I was half expecting my 10 days at Schick to give me "THAT" life back.  Talk about screwy thinking?  I can see that now, but then...no way!  Because I wanted a magic fix.  I thought I wanted that "perfect" life, but how can Schick give me something that I've never had, right?  They can't, plain and simple.  But that's how out of whack my sense of everything was when I walked into that hospital on April 1st.  I was so low on self esteem, knowledge of self, respect of self, and completely bankrupt of spirit.  I didn't know how to count my blessings, because I couldn't see any blessings around me, because I couldn't see any blessings WITHIN me.  


Now that I am a graduate though, and I listen to that slogan, I can say that I have never heard anything more profound in all of my life.  No truer words were ever spoken.  Schick-Shadel did EXACTLY what they promised, they gave me back MY life.  The EXACT life that I left waiting outside the doors when I walked into the hospital on April 1st, 2011, except now I can APPRECIATE it!  I no longer want some perfect life, fantasy escape that I conjured up in my mind, I want my life, this life, this precious, AMAZING GIFT of life that God gave ME.  He didn't give my life to you, or her, or him...He GAVE it to ME, because I AM IMPORTANT.  I MATTER.  I AM VALUABLE.  


I couldn't see that before.  I couldn't appreciate me before.  I felt completely worthless and invaluable and because of it, I was willing to waste the gift of my life inside a bottle.  Thank you Schick-Shadel for giving me back MY life!