Today's a hard day, so I thought I would talk about a hard word; Hopelessness. If you're in recovery or in the grips of addiction, chances are you're pretty familiar with this word and just exactly what it feels like. It's a feeling with as many twists and turns as there are the letter "S" in the word, and each twist and turn feels like a boa constrictor wrenching down on your soul squeezing out what life is left in you, restraining you from the ability to fight, draining the oxygen from you, to the point that you finally feel empty, dark, cold and absolutely alone. It's a feeling that can overcome you and control you and consume you, no matter how much others love or care for you.
I wanted to talk about hopelessness because it's real. Because it's okay. Because it's not a dirty, dark, failure for a human to feel hopeless. Because the more light we shed on this dark subject, maybe the less people will be afraid to talk about it or to admit when they feel it?
I'm not feeling hopeless. I actually have hope these days since going through treatment at Schick Shadel Hospital. But I have felt it. I was deep in the grips of it when I first walked through those doors on April 1st, 2011, but very few if any of you knew just how hopeless I felt at the time. What an absolute and complete failure I felt like. And after learning today that an acquaintance deep in the grips of hopelessness took their own life, and watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and learning that one of the husbands recently took his own life, and knowing that I can completely understand that lowest of low points that a person is capable of reaching where the only solution can feel like throwing in the towel and ending your own life, I knew I needed to come back here and write about it.
Have you ever felt hopeless? Did you tell anyone? Is there anything someone could have said to you that would have gotten you to open up or would have made you feel a little better or feel like there was hope? Why are we so afraid of admitting when we are that very low? Or when we are happy? Or when we are scared? Or when we are in love? What are we afraid of people? Why are we as human beings so reserved when it comes to being honest about how we feel?
I would love some comments on this one. I would love to hear what your thoughts are.
As I was writing this my Dad called to check on me since I had posted a couple links about suicide prevention on my facebook wall. Thank you Dad! Like I explained to him, I am fine. Just choosing to share about a difficult subject because I care, because maybe if I talk about it, you'll talk about it, and before you know it, we're all talking, and talking is therapeutic.
That's my two cents.
