The Schick-Shadel Hospital slogan is "Give us 10 days, we'll give you back your life."
I hadn't heard the slogan before I made my decision to give Schick 10 days of my life, but I got very familiar with the slogan while I was there. Now that I've been a graduate (that's what we're called - sounds good, doesn't it?) of the program for a couple of weeks, I've thought about that slogan a lot more. Because of how profoundly different my perception is of that slogan now versus how it was when I first heard it.
When I first read the slogan on the website during my research of the program, I didn't really give it much thought. Then the day I drove to the hospital and admitted myself, I heard it again in the lobby while I was waiting to be checked in. I recall thinking, "Wow, that's pretty cool" at the time, and my conscious thought was of this IDEAL LIFE that I had swimming around in my mind. A concoction of what my perfect life looks like, and making that connection to the slogan. So walking in I was half expecting my 10 days at Schick to give me "THAT" life back. Talk about screwy thinking? I can see that now, but then...no way! Because I wanted a magic fix. I thought I wanted that "perfect" life, but how can Schick give me something that I've never had, right? They can't, plain and simple. But that's how out of whack my sense of everything was when I walked into that hospital on April 1st. I was so low on self esteem, knowledge of self, respect of self, and completely bankrupt of spirit. I didn't know how to count my blessings, because I couldn't see any blessings around me, because I couldn't see any blessings WITHIN me.
Now that I am a graduate though, and I listen to that slogan, I can say that I have never heard anything more profound in all of my life. No truer words were ever spoken. Schick-Shadel did EXACTLY what they promised, they gave me back MY life. The EXACT life that I left waiting outside the doors when I walked into the hospital on April 1st, 2011, except now I can APPRECIATE it! I no longer want some perfect life, fantasy escape that I conjured up in my mind, I want my life, this life, this precious, AMAZING GIFT of life that God gave ME. He didn't give my life to you, or her, or him...He GAVE it to ME, because I AM IMPORTANT. I MATTER. I AM VALUABLE.
I couldn't see that before. I couldn't appreciate me before. I felt completely worthless and invaluable and because of it, I was willing to waste the gift of my life inside a bottle. Thank you Schick-Shadel for giving me back MY life!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
The Parent Trap
Last night I fell right into the Parent Trap and got CAUGHT in the painful steel jaws of frustration and hurt feelings! Aaaghhh!!!! Let me explain...
I went out to run an errand and to have a little bit of alone time, because as some of you know, my house is nice and full these days (my parents live with me - long story, which I will backtrack and explain in a subsequent post to catch you up). Nice and full can also be synonymous with claustrophobic at times when you are 2 weeks post rehab, freshly unemployed and facing foreclosure of your home...I'm just sayin'...I needed a little space.
SETTING THE TRAP: I didn't clearly state my need for space and define exactly how long I would be gone before I left. By not being clear, I left a whole lot to be interpreted by others, expectations to be built, and effectively, I pulled out this great big, shiny new bear trap and set it. You know the kind like you see in cartoons, with the huge jagged jaws and you have to step on both sides to pry it open? Because when you're setting a trap for yourself, you really can feel it when it's happening, even though you try to deny it, or JUSTIFY (I know! Spooky word!) your actions. That's how it was for me, I literally could FEEL myself standing on the jaws of that trap, PRYING it open, setting the trip pin, and then trying to carefully get free of it before it SNAPPED on me and crushed my leg and took my freedom.
Did I stop when I recognized that feeling, that moment? Oh no...THAT would be much too simple and there would be no lesson learned! Nope, I got clear of that trap very carefully and skipped off down the road for some "me" time, tra-la-la-la-laahhhhhh...
ADDING BAIT TO THE TRAP: My Dad asked me if I was coming right back (DANGER-DANGER-Will Robinson) and I said.......wait for it........wait...........YES! Oh yeah, that was exactly the moment that the bait was hung over the trap and everything was perfectly in place for that trap to catch something....aka: ME!
This was chance number two for me to be absolutely authentic and true to my feelings and my needs and to clarify with my parents about wanting some space and time to myself, but instead I got frustrated at my Dad asking. I felt indignant and frustrated because he should "know" that I needed space! Can you hear The Four Agreements cracking from the strain yet? Eek!
SNAP! THE TRAP IS SPRUNG: I was gone less than two hours and the phone rings the first time...guess who's calling? You guessed it...Dad. "Are you on your way home yet?", he asks. "No Dad, I'm not on my way home yet.", I reply. "Well, when are you coming home?" he asks, "In a little bit." I reply, and then THOSE words came out..."You aren't drinking are you?" he asks. At this point, my frustration level hits the roof, my blood is boiling, and I can feel my entire being tightening up as the stress and frustration grows like an angry monster inside me, and through gritted teeth and with an indignant tone, I say "No I am NOT drinking!" My Dad then takes on this kind of mocking tone and says "Well, we're your support system, we're just checking on you to make sure you're okay." Now, it's literally taking every bit of peace and patience within me to not throw the phone down or turn it off, but...I didn't. Then about 30 minutes later, here comes phone call number two, second verse same as the first, except my frustration had transitioned into the ugly beast of stubbornness, where now I'm just mad because everybody's invading "my" time. And finally phone call number three about 15 minutes after the last, with yet another "You're not drinking are you?"...here's the BEST part of the story though...not at ANY SINGLE MOMENT did I consider buying a beer or a cocktail and getting drunk! Because let me tell you folks, two weeks ago, if I was hitting that same frustration level, that would have been the EXACT thing I did! Because that's how I used to cope with stress and emotion.
Thanks to the excellent counter-conditioning and first class counselors that were a part of my treatment at Schick-Shadel Hospital though, I didn't drink, and I can think about how that whole scenario played out and recognize where I fell into old dysfunctional communication habits, and take this experience and learn from it.
LESSON LEARNED: It's okay for me to take time for me. It's also okay for people to question whether I'm drinking or not, because let's face it, I haven't exactly set a great track record with my past actions. I need to be direct and up front about my needs with people, ESPECIALLY with my SELF! That was the point where last night first went wrong for me, I wasn't honest with myself. I didn't admit to myself what I really needed, I buried that need and then hid it from everyone. Good news is that the hiding was short lived and that I'm talking it out now, here with you. The better news is that I did calm down, let go of the frustration, accepted and took credit for the HUGE WIN of the day which was NOT DRINKING and apologized to my parents, taking responsibility for my part in the Parent Trap. And the best news...I got to wake up this morning sober and free from the craving of alcohol, and I remember everything I did yesterday because I was sober that day too!
I went out to run an errand and to have a little bit of alone time, because as some of you know, my house is nice and full these days (my parents live with me - long story, which I will backtrack and explain in a subsequent post to catch you up). Nice and full can also be synonymous with claustrophobic at times when you are 2 weeks post rehab, freshly unemployed and facing foreclosure of your home...I'm just sayin'...I needed a little space.
SETTING THE TRAP: I didn't clearly state my need for space and define exactly how long I would be gone before I left. By not being clear, I left a whole lot to be interpreted by others, expectations to be built, and effectively, I pulled out this great big, shiny new bear trap and set it. You know the kind like you see in cartoons, with the huge jagged jaws and you have to step on both sides to pry it open? Because when you're setting a trap for yourself, you really can feel it when it's happening, even though you try to deny it, or JUSTIFY (I know! Spooky word!) your actions. That's how it was for me, I literally could FEEL myself standing on the jaws of that trap, PRYING it open, setting the trip pin, and then trying to carefully get free of it before it SNAPPED on me and crushed my leg and took my freedom.
Did I stop when I recognized that feeling, that moment? Oh no...THAT would be much too simple and there would be no lesson learned! Nope, I got clear of that trap very carefully and skipped off down the road for some "me" time, tra-la-la-la-laahhhhhh...
ADDING BAIT TO THE TRAP: My Dad asked me if I was coming right back (DANGER-DANGER-Will Robinson) and I said.......wait for it........wait...........YES! Oh yeah, that was exactly the moment that the bait was hung over the trap and everything was perfectly in place for that trap to catch something....aka: ME!
This was chance number two for me to be absolutely authentic and true to my feelings and my needs and to clarify with my parents about wanting some space and time to myself, but instead I got frustrated at my Dad asking. I felt indignant and frustrated because he should "know" that I needed space! Can you hear The Four Agreements cracking from the strain yet? Eek!
SNAP! THE TRAP IS SPRUNG: I was gone less than two hours and the phone rings the first time...guess who's calling? You guessed it...Dad. "Are you on your way home yet?", he asks. "No Dad, I'm not on my way home yet.", I reply. "Well, when are you coming home?" he asks, "In a little bit." I reply, and then THOSE words came out..."You aren't drinking are you?" he asks. At this point, my frustration level hits the roof, my blood is boiling, and I can feel my entire being tightening up as the stress and frustration grows like an angry monster inside me, and through gritted teeth and with an indignant tone, I say "No I am NOT drinking!" My Dad then takes on this kind of mocking tone and says "Well, we're your support system, we're just checking on you to make sure you're okay." Now, it's literally taking every bit of peace and patience within me to not throw the phone down or turn it off, but...I didn't. Then about 30 minutes later, here comes phone call number two, second verse same as the first, except my frustration had transitioned into the ugly beast of stubbornness, where now I'm just mad because everybody's invading "my" time. And finally phone call number three about 15 minutes after the last, with yet another "You're not drinking are you?"...here's the BEST part of the story though...not at ANY SINGLE MOMENT did I consider buying a beer or a cocktail and getting drunk! Because let me tell you folks, two weeks ago, if I was hitting that same frustration level, that would have been the EXACT thing I did! Because that's how I used to cope with stress and emotion.
Thanks to the excellent counter-conditioning and first class counselors that were a part of my treatment at Schick-Shadel Hospital though, I didn't drink, and I can think about how that whole scenario played out and recognize where I fell into old dysfunctional communication habits, and take this experience and learn from it.
LESSON LEARNED: It's okay for me to take time for me. It's also okay for people to question whether I'm drinking or not, because let's face it, I haven't exactly set a great track record with my past actions. I need to be direct and up front about my needs with people, ESPECIALLY with my SELF! That was the point where last night first went wrong for me, I wasn't honest with myself. I didn't admit to myself what I really needed, I buried that need and then hid it from everyone. Good news is that the hiding was short lived and that I'm talking it out now, here with you. The better news is that I did calm down, let go of the frustration, accepted and took credit for the HUGE WIN of the day which was NOT DRINKING and apologized to my parents, taking responsibility for my part in the Parent Trap. And the best news...I got to wake up this morning sober and free from the craving of alcohol, and I remember everything I did yesterday because I was sober that day too!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Blogging from Windows Live Writer
Hey friends! I’ve been toying around with Windows Live for months now, and decided to try to get a little more familiar with so many of the cool features that are now available.
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I’m digging how I can use emoticons with just keyboard prompts (see above). Pretty cute smiley face, eh? 
Ha! I did it again! Tell me what you think?
Do you blog? Do you have tips or tricks you would like to share with a new blogger? I’m here to learn and share, so BRING IT!
Operation Save My House
This is an idea that also worked itself out in the pre-dawn moments of my sleep before I awoke on Easter Sunday. In my dream I saw myself asking for help from my friends and I saw them being SUPER supportive and encouraging. I saw the chains of my pride fall and give way to a freedom that felt so real and warm that when I woke up, it was as if I was in autopilot, I just knew what I had to do. Have you ever experienced a moment like that? Where you just know what you need to do, and the effort doesn't feel like effort, it feels natural and almost automatic? Well, that's what it was like for me.
I walked into the home office and logged onto facebook, where I began tentatively, kind of testing the water with my toes to see how chilly it was, which is kind of funny, because those of you who know me well and have known me for years, know that I am NOT that girl! I am the girl who just blasts off the bridge or embankment and bombs right in, no matter how cold the water is. But matters of pride, beliefs, and emotion are WAY scarier than even the unknown depths of icy cold water.
It took me two status updates, a couple of warm, supportive comments, and the courage was bolstered enough to strip away the pride, let the stubborn side of me go, and come clean to all who purport to "know" me, and tell the truth of my situation; my house is in foreclosure.
Talk about taking a LOAD off! Wow! It was such a huge relieving feeling for me to take the mask off and stop pretending that everything is hunky-dory. So if any of you have some deep, dark, awful monkey on your back (aka: a difficult conversation, telling the truth about some deep dark secret, whatever), my suggestion is to get it off your chest. You might be pleasantly surprised at how relieving it is.
I walked into the home office and logged onto facebook, where I began tentatively, kind of testing the water with my toes to see how chilly it was, which is kind of funny, because those of you who know me well and have known me for years, know that I am NOT that girl! I am the girl who just blasts off the bridge or embankment and bombs right in, no matter how cold the water is. But matters of pride, beliefs, and emotion are WAY scarier than even the unknown depths of icy cold water.
It took me two status updates, a couple of warm, supportive comments, and the courage was bolstered enough to strip away the pride, let the stubborn side of me go, and come clean to all who purport to "know" me, and tell the truth of my situation; my house is in foreclosure.
Talk about taking a LOAD off! Wow! It was such a huge relieving feeling for me to take the mask off and stop pretending that everything is hunky-dory. So if any of you have some deep, dark, awful monkey on your back (aka: a difficult conversation, telling the truth about some deep dark secret, whatever), my suggestion is to get it off your chest. You might be pleasantly surprised at how relieving it is.
Monday, April 25, 2011
2 Weeks Out - A Dream Takes Shape
Wow! I cannot hardly believe that I've been out of Schick for two weeks already! It seems so surreal most days that I actually did it, that I actually made it to rehab and completed the treatment...but I did. :)
One of the things that I've been experiencing since I quit drinking alcohol is dreaming. I never really dreamed while I lived in my alcohol induced fog. But now that the fog and spider webs created by the booze are beginning to clear, my sleep just before waking is filled with very vivid and memorable dreams. Very much my subconscious working out the details of the issues in my life, bringing clarity and focus and thoughts of creative resolutions to these issues. And with my state of employment currently qualified as UNemployed, it wasn't so shocking that my dreams this morning centered around how to make a living to support my family. I had a very inspiring dream about following my passion for writing and somehow turning that into a career.
Part of that dream was how to get the practical experience or more appropriately, the PRACTICE experience of writing to an audience, while keeping the topic something I actually WANT to write about, AND where to start...and well...I'M HERE! Ha! Yep, that's right, or that's WRITE...I thought what better way to practice to an audience, than to start a blog that I can use as a sort of therapeutic journal and talk to my audience (aka: YOU) like the trusted friends and confidants that you are? So I am going for it, as they say!
You are now front row seated for the birth of my dream, spawned from the afterbirth of my alcoholism, the virtual rebirth of me. This is my story, the story of me, and how I broke free from the chains of addiction to alcohol, what's brought me here and where I'm going. As I share my daily struggle, as a real person, an ordinary person, a person who could be your daughter, your aunt, your sister, your cousin, your mother...a person who could be the girl next door or the teacher in your child's classroom, because that's what an alcoholic looks like. That's what I look like. I look like nobody and everybody you've ever known. I am one of the many faces of alcoholism, but I am not my disease, I am me...I AM REAL.
One of the things that I've been experiencing since I quit drinking alcohol is dreaming. I never really dreamed while I lived in my alcohol induced fog. But now that the fog and spider webs created by the booze are beginning to clear, my sleep just before waking is filled with very vivid and memorable dreams. Very much my subconscious working out the details of the issues in my life, bringing clarity and focus and thoughts of creative resolutions to these issues. And with my state of employment currently qualified as UNemployed, it wasn't so shocking that my dreams this morning centered around how to make a living to support my family. I had a very inspiring dream about following my passion for writing and somehow turning that into a career.
Part of that dream was how to get the practical experience or more appropriately, the PRACTICE experience of writing to an audience, while keeping the topic something I actually WANT to write about, AND where to start...and well...I'M HERE! Ha! Yep, that's right, or that's WRITE...I thought what better way to practice to an audience, than to start a blog that I can use as a sort of therapeutic journal and talk to my audience (aka: YOU) like the trusted friends and confidants that you are? So I am going for it, as they say!
You are now front row seated for the birth of my dream, spawned from the afterbirth of my alcoholism, the virtual rebirth of me. This is my story, the story of me, and how I broke free from the chains of addiction to alcohol, what's brought me here and where I'm going. As I share my daily struggle, as a real person, an ordinary person, a person who could be your daughter, your aunt, your sister, your cousin, your mother...a person who could be the girl next door or the teacher in your child's classroom, because that's what an alcoholic looks like. That's what I look like. I look like nobody and everybody you've ever known. I am one of the many faces of alcoholism, but I am not my disease, I am me...I AM REAL.
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