Monday - 04.04.2011
9:36 am - Morning Groups one and two completed and breakfast eaten and showered, dressed and bed made. I slept fitfully last night. My sleep was littered with several dreams. A couple that woke me, but none that I easily recall the content of, at least not now. I remember waking from one, using the bathroom and thinking maybe I should write it down in my journal now, but the thought of turning on the light and writing seemed like a jeopardy to more sleep so I passed on the idea and subsequently have forgotten what the dream was about.
It feels really good to get up and start my day with hope and contentment with myself. More importantly, it has been so relaxing to also wake up without pressure and stress. Just content with the schedule here and the knowledge that all that matters right now is me. Am I okay? What can I do at this moment to be okay? And that is how my days here progress, moment by moment.
I've been reading the card you gave me over and over again. It has become part of my daily affirmation ritual. Both comforting on a personal level of "I" and the external level of "me". I believe in me, and you believe in me. What a great place to start.
My first group this morning and apparently every morning is called Breakfast of Champions. This morning's facilitator was Jeremiah. He was excellent! This morning's topic was the drama triangle. The drama triangle has three sides and each side is represented by a role, and the roles are interdependent upon each other to fuel the process of the triangle. The dysfunctional process of the triangle.
1. Perpetrator
2. Victim
3. Rescuer
Perpetrators attack people not issues or behavior. They tear down a person, or the Victim in the triangle. Victims suffer from poor me syndrome, and get so comfortable with the attention that comes from being the victim that they will recreate patterns or situations where they can continue to play the role of victim. Rescuers like to hold onto information and not share so that they can create the scenario where they can come to the rescue.
As soon as Jeremiah started describing the roles and giving examples. I was able to immediately identify Dierdra as a Rescuer who turns to Perpetrator to perpetuate her ability to play the Rescuer. And I step right in and play the Victim because it's a dynamic and role I am familiar with.
So Jeremiah gave us some practical examples of how to step out of the triangle at whatever role you're playing. As the Victim it begins with problem solving, assertiveness, and establishing boundaries to protect my self worth. This is an area that I definitely want to explore deeper, practice, and get help through counseling on.
I will begin by practicing my assertiveness while I am here. Starting with using my voice and setting some boundaries with my roommate. I am sure I will have ample opportunities over the course of this day much less any of the five remaining days.
Group two this morning was also facilitated by Jeremiah and the title is Beauty and the Beast. This one is all about creating the life that I want. My real self versus my Ideal self and how to get there. What an incredibly powerful discussion this was. I was provided with some simple, practical, straight forward ways to identify what is core to me right now, what the negative or beast of those things are, and then how to ask myself what do I need to do to get there. To achieve the life, the self that I know I am capable of. It was absolutely a changing moment for me. Take five things and work on just those. Practice and perfect, then re-evaluate, identify the next five and work on those. A constant evolution on the wall of me. Build it, tear it down, repair it, love it, analyze it, live with it, whatever - the point is to be active in the process of living life as my ideal self at all times. Free of punishment and negativity. Living with myself with integrity first and everything else will follow. I really like that. I am embracing this.
Time to go drink lots of fluids and get my mind in gear for fighting my addiction to alcohol. Time to reflect on all of the negative that alcohol has brought to my life and use that energy to fuel my aversion treatment.
Remind me to tell you about Pat O'Day's talk last night. It was so empowering and hope filled. What an amazing and inspirational man.
1:52 pm - I'm on deck for Duffy #2. The board says that my treatment will begin at 3:00 pm. My anxiety level is through the roof right now because the treatment is so awful, but I know how necessary it is so I'm not going to complain. You should have had counseling today and are probably just settling back into work from that.
I found your quick note of an email this morning when I checked. I'm trying to fight back this feeling of disappointment that I'm feeling because I was hoping for a more thoughtful conversation kind of message from you. Except the more I fight it the more it seems to come out so I'm trying a different tack. Trying to look at why I am disappointed? At least you did write something, even though it wasn't the deep, meaningful kind of message I was hoping for, you did write and I need to learn how to be happy and accepting of that. Be content with everything you do put into our relationship and quit holding onto the what you don't do part. Maybe with you, I play the Persecutor? I think I do. Not always, but with stuff like this I think I do. I go in expecting you to fail, and get very critical of you and set strict limits. Most of the other time with you I tend to be a Rescuer, also in the rest of my life - total Rescuer. I'm reading through this list of traits to the Rescuer and it pretty much sums me up. Yikes! I know at different times I play all three roles, I can see that now. One of the handouts that Jeremiah gave us is a table of dramatic roles and the Playing Childhood Roles vs. The Authentic Adulthood Roles. This is Something that I need to review daily until being authentic becomes my core automatic response so that I can get out of the drama triangle.
I should apologize to you for my part or playing my roles in the triangle with you. I'm seeing that we both have had our roles from time to time, which center around our core issues that we need to work on. The good news is that we are also able to have healthy dialogue with each other. That is the foundation I would like to build on with you, to practice with you until it becomes our norm our automatic. I feel safe with you. A safe intimacy where I can be vulnerable, much like the hospital, where I can tell you anything and we can just talk about it. I hope you feel that with me too. I think that simple truth between us is pure magic.
It's interesting to listen to the other patients in Group because you get a sense about who's still in denial and not going to be real successful and who's really engaged here. Unfortunately there's a couple of them that enjoy hearing themselves talk so much that they hog up the discussion time. Sometimes that can be a bit frustrating. But I guess on the positive side, it is giving me practice to be able to identify the behaviors that aren't healthy and thing about when I, myself have acted similarly, so that I can work on correcting that behavior in me. I'm trying to find a whole new world of coping skills that will put me on the path of being able to live my life as an authentic adult.
Pat O'Day talked to us last night. He apparently visits the hospital to speak every nine days. He and ten other people actually own the hospital now. He gave some interesting history on the hospital, but the best part of his talk is how he said that each of us are people of the finest character, the smallest percentage of a huge population of people in addiction, who made the decision to come to Schick. That was extremely comforting to me. Especially since I've been so low, so down on myself, to have someone who's been exactly where I am now say that I am a person of good character at my core because I made the choice to get help.
5:08 pm - I am nauseated, feeling miserable physically but mentally I'm doing okay. Duffy #2 is less than two hours from total completion now. This is the part where it's just me and my thoughts for the three hours after your treatment is administered. In other words, after they've made you puke your guts out after drinking some of your favorite alcoholic beverages. The wash cloth soaked in alcoholic beverage is right here beside me, wafting warmly across my nose the scents of Blue Moon ale and white wine, which churns my already upset stomach further. Then there's my buddy the barf pan, full of my last vomit or emesis from the "booster" shot of beer and ipecac. Did I mention that they don't serve any alcohol chilled here? Because that would make it seem refreshing and we can't have that, so we get everything at room temperature. During today's treatment I had no problem barfing after my first four beverages. But then she loaded me up with the next four and nothing was coming up. That's when I got to swish and spit with whiskey - GROSS - and shove a tongue depressor down my throat until it all came up. Or at least until it started to come up. The rest came up back here in my room with the booster.
Did I mention that I am wearing depends? Oh yeah Baby! Rocking the adult diapers! The diarrhea hasn't started yet, but this time my ass (literally) is prepared! I know, sexy right?
I've been reading in one of the books that I've been given here called 'Emotional Sobriety'. So far so good. It's a little dry, written with more of a clinical dryness, but the subject matter is excellent. Especially as it relates to relationship trauma, and bringing your emotional and physical self to resilience and balance.
I found your afternoon email to me. Thank you for sending me well wishes and positive thoughts. I too have been thinking about you. Seeing your note gave me pause to smile even though I'm feeling so crappy at the moment.
Pat O'Day talked last night about the importance of rewarding ourselves for our journey to sobriety. He went and learned how to fly which sounds like a super cool reward. Something that I have been thinking about now too - what would be a great reward for me? I think I want a really nice pen to start off with. One with substance, weight, balance and good fluid lines. Maybe a Mont Blanc? I'm not sure, but I am going to save up and go pen shopping as my reward to self for doing this hard work to be sober.
Plus every time I hold that pen it will be so symbolic to me, can you imagine? I like the idea of it. A constant positive reminder of what I've done, and who I've become. And when my emotions, feelings, stress or life feels like it's going out of control, I can pick up that pen and write about it. I can begin to find balance with small changes like that. Minor adjustments to affect huge change or metamorphosis.
Funny side note - I just moments ago realized there is a ribbon bookmark attached to this journal! Are you laughing? I hope so. I'm smiling and shaking my head at myself. Sometimes I can miss some of the most obvious things.
Miriam Weston found me today before my Duffy. Turns out she's a billing specialist here, not a nurse. That's what I get for making assumptions. We had a really nice visit. She has ended up in a condo down in Lost Creek Village. That's the complex where I think I'm going to end up living. She's 62 years old now, although you wouldn't know it unless she told you. Which means she was 52 when we bought the house from her and Ray and their daughter was 10 at the time. So Miriam was 42 when she had Shelly. She said Shelly is in college now. Time sure does fly by. I think Miriam and I are going to become better friends because of my treatment. I can just feel it.
