Karma, Karma, Chameleon!

I have been a chameleon in life and up until just recently, I had always thought that was a good thing.  [Enter irrational thinking stage right.]  For those of you who have a healthy sense of self and self esteem, this might seem like a no-brainer to you, but to me, and those like me who do not or have not always had good self esteem, keep reading.


What I have learned is that every time I adapted or evolved myself to fit into my current surroundings, I was actually sacrificing my SELF.  Sounds crazy, right?  Because isn't it good to try to fit in?  Isn't it good to be adaptive?  And the answer to those questions is yes, but...and it's a BIG BUT...BUT...the caveat is, so long as you are not trying to fit in or adapt at the expense of yourself.  And that is the part that I never understood, because I never knew who I was.  At least not to the point that I was ready to stand up with pride and conviction for what was true to me.  I would change like the wind would blow.  Of course, this hasn't always been the case, and it is not a blanket statement about myself for every moment of my life.  Like any star, I had times when my truth would shine through and I would glimmer with brightness, but these times were always short-lived and usually followed by some major crisis that I would create through self-destructive or self-defeating actions.  


So why would I do those things?  Because I didn't believe in myself.  Did you know that right now is the first time I've ever really been alone in my life?  It is.  I've always gone from one serious or semi-serious relationship to another because I've always been other-dependent.  I've always needed (sometimes desperately so) the validation of another person to feel like I mattered or had worth in this world.  Even though people would tell me continually about how smart, talented, and beautiful I was; it didn't matter because I didn't believe it.  


That's why I think being a chameleon is one of the most dangerous, destructive things a person can do to their sense of self and esteem, because it's very easy to don a mask, and hide with your empty self in plain sight.  It wasn't until I took off the masks and admitted that I was completely absent of self esteem and empty on the inside that I was finally able to start healing.


I used to fill that hole with alcohol and other self-destructive behaviors.  Except that no matter how much alcohol I would pour down my throat, it was never enough to make me feel good.  Actually it never made me "feel" anything except numb, and at some point along the way, that numbness got to be my best friend.  That numbness was my coping skill.  That was it folks, that's all I had.  


Now that I do not turn to alcohol to cope, I have been able to identify that chameleon for the dangerous and insidious creature that it has been in my life.  I am finally able to say I know who I am, and that I really like myself.  I am a person that I really enjoy hanging out with.


How about you?  Do you like hanging out with yourself?