Sobriety is Sacred

Imagine the most dear of dearest things that you can think of, something that you will fiercely protect, even die to protect; that is what sobriety is.  Sobriety holds infinite amounts of strength and goodness.  It is beautiful and bright and vibrant.  Sobriety is the holy grail for the alcoholic, the golden challis that shall forever be empty and held in both hands, never to know alcohol again.

I like the challis analogy because holding sobriety dear and sacred is like one of those individual immunity challenges on Survivor; it's just you and your sobriety and if you ever let go, even for a moment, what you face is relapse and you could be out of sobriety forever.

I am now four years sober as of April 10th, 2015.  For the first three years I worked my sobriety on a daily basis.  Kept my journal, wrote and blogged about recovery, kept in contact with my new sober friends from rehab, went to therapy twice a week, read books for personal and spiritual growth, was physically active and feeding my soul in many ways every day.  My heart was full of gratitude, humility and I was genuinely grateful for every new morning when my sober eyes would open and I would turn to my journal to share my thoughts and perspectives about the previous day and the day ahead.  In short I was focused.

Life in sobriety has been great.  Amazing even.  Not short of challenges, but with all of my new coping skills, I have handled those challenges well and never once relapsed.  I was improving and progressing in every area of my life.  I had secured stable housing, managed to convert my job from limited duration status to full time employee, paying bills off slowly, volunteering in my community and doing this whole sober adult thing pretty well.  Then I met someone and I let myself lose focus. Not all at once, but even a little is a dangerous thing because once you loosen your grip even a little, then the other fingers loosen up a little more and then pretty soon you realize that you've completely let go and can wake up to find yourself holding another bottle instead of that sacred challis of sobriety.

Now, before my friends and family freak out, I have not relapsed.  Let me repeat.  I have not relapsed but I have definitely lost focus and am self aware enough to recognize that old thought patterns are lurking right in the shadows waiting to pounce on my sobriety like a pack of hungry lions on weakened prey.  And that is why I am writing about it because maybe someone out there will read my story and know that they are not alone, that this life of sobriety isn't easy and that commitment is a fickle thing that you have to reaffirm on a daily basis.

The realization that I was on the verge of being in real trouble came for me about a week ago when I was driving past a vineyard with a tasting room and I thought "I could stop in there and have a flight of wine and no one will know."  Yes, that exact thought went through my brain for a split second and then it was like warp speed fast forward to playing out how that would actually go down.  It would start with a couple of tasting drinks, then to a couple of glasses of wine and then to a bottle or maybe even two, I would text my friend who was expecting me and make some lame excuse as to why I wasn't going to make it like I said I was and then I would get behind the wheel drunk and crash my car on a sharp corner.  Life would be over.  Whether behind bars or in a grave, it would be over.  That whole thought process took a matter of seconds, but that last part was a very important part because thinking about the consequences never even entered my mind when I was drinking.  Visualizing the consequences and taking that moment to really be present is a wonderful coping skill.  That moment scared the crap out of me though.  Since then I've done a lot of heavy duty reflecting, inventory taking and accountability finding.  The good news is that I'm not lost.  The even better news is that I've just kind of been struggling in the bushes right now, but I'm still paralleling the path.  Let me share with you how I got here:

• We got hit by the tree on August 3rd, 2013 - This did real physical damage to me and my oldest daughter and put me out of being able to hike for over a year.
• I met an amazing man who has had a terrible year and a half, who leads a very sedentary lifestyle - I failed to recognize that I was slowly compromising myself and my needs for him and his and in doing so I was bankrupting my emotional and physical needs for his.
• I got a huge opportunity at work - Which came with lots of stress, lots of hours and I frequently gave up my lunches and breaks to stay caught up with the demand.
• My Dad got diagnosed with cancer - My funny, strong, caring, superhero Daddy isn't invincible and he's not going to live forever and that's a lot to come to terms with.
• My Brother and his drama-mamas - My brother and I aren't talking and that hurts my heart.
• I stopped journaling - I found myself with no time so instead of saying no to one of the volunteer commitments or to my boyfriend and protecting that much needed time to journal, I stopped journaling.  At first it was a day here and there and then it was weeks at a time to now months have passed.
• I stopped therapy - Granted my therapist told me I really didn't need to go any longer and I could use the extra money back in my budget so this one was a choice made with a lot of thought and had this been the only self-care thing I cut out, then I don't think I would be where I am now.
• I stopped going back to Schick - I used to go back to Schick-Shadel Hospital to reconnect for dinner with my sober friends on Wednesday evenings and attend a women's support group but instead of saying no to my volunteer commitments or working out some other arrangements, I let this slide too.
• My Ex-husband would not commit to a schedule - Over the past year and a half I haven't known if he is working graveyard, swing or day shift. He's had our daughters less than ever before which has put extra stress on me and them because we couldn't get a regular routine down and I was having to change my schedule at the last minute to make sure that the girls could have time with their Dad.
• I didn't celebrate my Sobriety Birthday - Once again, I let life get in the way and compromised this special tradition of going back to Schick-Shadel on my sober anniversary to celebrate and share and reconnect with those who are at the very beginning of their sobriety.
• I stopped making time for friends - Between work, volunteer commitments, kids and a boyfriend, I slowly stopped making spending time with my friends a priority. I only made it to half of the Bunco nights, and stopped calling my bestie on a regular basis.

There's more, but these are the most share worthy bullet point items that I think others can relate to and identify with.  Where does this leave me?  Well, on a sad note, I think that the boyfriend and I are probably over but I hope that we can transition from a romantic love relationship to a friendship relationship.  Here's where I am now:

• Re-focusing on my sobriety.
• Make self care a priority.
• Exercise.
• Get back to Wednesday's at Schick.
• Listen to my gut.
• Trust myself.
• Sleep 8 hours.
• Take my breaks.
• Eat healthy.
• Say no.
• Set healthy boundaries.
• Make friendships a priority.
• Journal.

Life is absolutely wonderful when I do these things.  Even when it's challenging it still feels effortless and like a gift.  When I don't take good care of myself then life becomes frustrating, hectic, stressed, hurried and feels like a struggle.  

I am choosing the life that feels effortless and like a gift.  I am grateful for my sobriety.