What I am about to share with you, is verbatim (save personal details that might identify people who shall remain anonymous) from my journal during my ten days as a patient at Schick Shadel. I have never journaled before in my life, and what you are about to read are my innermost thoughts, feelings, and raw emotions as they happened, while I went through one of the most life changing experiences of my entire life. You are being invited into the conversation that is otherwise known as my journal. For context, when I first began writing in my journal, which was a gift from a dear friend, it was easiest for me to write as if having a conversation with that same friend. Enjoy.
Friday - 04.01.2011
"Strong, confident and on purpose, the new chapter of your life begins." ~Anonymous
You couldn't be more correct and wrong all at the same time! I was so scared this morning. Even secretly hoping that once I got here they would turn me away for one reason or another. That's why I called you. To keep me moving forward. That extra little push in the right direction. I'm so glad you called me back. Because I think I would've fretted the whole time I was here, wondering where you were and blaming you for my failure at this program, but really I think I was almost hoping you wouldn't answer or call me back so I could have an excuse to fail. A reason to fail, that wasn't me. But we both know that it wouldn't have been you, it's me. That's the whole point in this, it's mine, it's me, it's not something I can continue to not accept responsibility for. That's the deal right there. Take responsibility.
Great news is that you are a wonderful treasure, a true friend at the very core, and you talked to me this morning, and allowed me a little freak out, and stayed so calm and supportive, and for that my friend, I am eternally thankful. You helped me close the gate on the loading chute so that this scared heifer couldn't back out.
Then I got here and got into admissions only to learn from my admissions counselor that Miriam Weston works here! You're probably asking -- who's Miriam Weston? Well, Miriam and Ray Weston are the people that Jim and I bought our house from 10 years ago! What a small stinking world!
It was so odd and random how that whole subject even came up, but Darrell White, my admissions counselor was asking about my address, saying are you down in the dip on 288th? I said, you sound like you're familiar with the area, so I explained where my house is and he says "You must've lived next to Miriam Weston." And I was like "Uh...nope, actually she's who I bought the house from!" Too crazy huh?
So I have my first group session to attend. It starts in 15 minutes. They announce the sessions on a PA system. This is the 3:15pm session. I've had relaxation therapy already today too, which was pretty awesome. Remind me to tell you about it after Group.
Before I go to Group, I have to tell you that my lunch here today was tomato soup and grilled cheese and ham sandwich. I found that to be so fitting and comforting all at the same time. And warmly, pleasantly reminiscent of you. I will write more on those thoughts later too. I'm on the right path. I can feel it. I know it. It's hard and scary, but right.
9:02pm-Day 1 is almost over and I just got back to my room from the last two group sessions of the day. The first was about family and all of the dimensions that family adds to my recovery. I took notes (you know me) and got a ton of really good information from this session. I found more self enlightenment in the personal stories others shared. Things that I do that break down communication. Ways that I contribute to the dysfunction in my family and marriage and pretty much every part of my life. My communication isn't bad all the time, but I was able to recognize times when I bring my baggage into the communication and allow it to influence me, my emotions, and my ability to effectively communicate. I do it most notably with you, or maybe I should say that the times I do it with you are the easiest for me to recognize. I also learned that on the great side of things, all in all, you and I actually have very GOOD communication. Now that I have identified my part in the times we don't AND asked how do I quit doing that AND been given some great tools to try, I believe that our communication will only get even better...and you know what? That makes me so HAPPY!
Okay on a side note - these twin beds are the smallest twin beds - if beds come in a slender version then this is it! I feel like a giant and I am truly afraid that I will roll right off this thing and ker-plunk on the floor! Plus trying to find a place to journal that's comfortable is next to impossible, but I'm managing to make it work.
Interesting thing I spotted in the cafeteria tonight on the wall to the right of the pass window where we get our food, there's a framed photo of a pea pod with peas in it. How cool is that?! It gave me a moment to pause, smile and reflect on how much I appreciate you and our relationship. It was like another reminder that I am in the right place.
I need to tell you about the relaxation / meditation thing. It's a DVD with subliminal visual and audio. I wasn't too hip on the idea, but, I gave it a try by listening and watching. The disc lasts 30 minutes. I was out at about 18 minutes in I think and I didn't wake up for two hours! I felt amazing when I woke up too. Maybe I was just tired? I don't think so -- I think I'm a believer in the power of the meditation and subliminal message. Is that crazy?
I'm proud of myself. I haven't given into laziness today. There's a TV in my room (which is all mine right now by the way) and I have chosen not to veg out to the boob tube but rather read the materials and work in my workbook all day. I'm making this time count and making the most of this time.
I found out that I have to come back at 30 and 90 days out for Recap treatment, which is two days each AND I have to do another 'SLEEPY' and another 'DUFFY' each Recap. Eeeks! I didn't know about that part, but I guess it's these follow up treatments that help make this a lifetime change, so I'm in all the way!
My first Duffy happens tomorrow afternoon. I can't eat for 6 hours prior. A Duffy is patient slang for counter conditioning therapy.
I'm going to read for a little while then sleep now. My day starts at 0600HRS -- no rest for the wicked...or in this case -- the addicted! Hey, wouldn't that be a great name for a book? "No rest for the addicted" I like it. Maybe I should write it? Goodnight!
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