8:54am - Getting to the journal later today because I began my day by embracing my routine with the mindset that today is going to be a good day. One key difference is that I did not set my alarm. So my day began when the Orderly came in at 5:30am to take my vitals. After he left, I decided my day should begin. I got up, opened my blinds and allowed myself to be amazed by the view. The quiet pre-dawn stillness of the morning was so precious.
I showered, put on fresh scrubs, bundled my personal and hospital dirty laundry, made my bed, brushed my teeth, and then I did something very cool. I sat on the edge of my bed, looking out the window, but also at my reflection in the glass and I recited my affirmations to myself. Then it was time to go downstairs for the first Group of the day.
There are Group counseling sessions at 6:30am, 7:30am, 3:15pm, 7:00pm, and 8:30pm, every day and they are mandatory. The only time that you are allowed to miss a group is when you are in a treatment or recovering from a treatment.
I have a new roommate. Her name is Cindy. She's an older woman with a shock of curly white hair. Cindy's here also for alcohol addiction and she came all the way from Alaska. She has a big family and her and her husband live quite remotely. In the short time we got to visit I am finding her to be a gutsy, independent, take charge kind of gal. She also made the decision to come to Schick on her own. I like that. I hope I get to know her better. Even though I was resistant to having a roommate initially, I am choosing to keep an open mind about it, and about Cindy.
Okay - now that the distraction that happened has been talked about, back to Group this morning. Before it started I was looking through my binder, getting prepared to start Group, and I turned to my binder journal page where I left off last night, and I looked at the doodles I had drawn and it hit me how critical I had been with myself when I was drawing them last night. Telling myself everything that was wrong with the things I had drawn. Continuing to talk to myself so poorly - why? It's funny how I didn't really realize or recognize it until this morning though. I think that moment was an important break through for me. At least an important first step in the right direction.
My only classmate here is Suzie. She is from Colorado. I find her delightful. I really like her. We have a made a commitment to trade information and stay in touch. She and I seem to have some common issues that we struggle with so I am finding her insight and stories to be pretty helpful for me, or at least more relative to me than some of the other patients here. I also think that it is divine intervention that it's just me and Suzie in class together. Not that we're "in class" but that she's my sister in arms during this battle, no one else, especially no men. Not that it would be a problem, but this way there's no possibility. It's just me and Suzie. Because I watch some of the men here, especially the men around my age and they are all over the couple of attractive women in their class. It's pretty disgusting really. And sad too. And these two girls/women are eating up the attention. I find that behavior counter productive but also an easy trap to fall into. So that's why I'm glad that it's just me and Suzie.
I'm so hungry right now. With my first Sleepy happening today I have been on a complete fast for the entire day since midnight. My Sleepy doesn't happen until 11:45am so right now I am incredibly thirsty and hungry and I have a headache. The Sleepy is the slang name for a Rehabilitation Interview which is performed with anesthesia, and in this case, specifically with propofol. Apparently Schick used to use sodium pentatol or Truth Serum, but have since gone to the propofol, which is the same anesthetic that was being administered to Michale Jackson at the time of his death. So the stuff is not without danger. They make us fast from midnight before so that we don't end up aspirating food or liquid into our lungs during the procedure.
With the rotation of Duffy (puking) and Sleepy (fasting) on an every other day schedule, there's not a whole lot of eating going on for me. Maybe I'll drop a few pounds while I'm here too. :) One can hope right?!
Anyway, so with fasting and being hungry it made Group #2 of the morning difficult, because it was about blood sugar levels and how blood sugar going too low can cause an addict to relapse. So she talked to us about how we can protect our abstinence by eating a balanced diet - which talked a lot about food and got my tummy grumbling! Torture I tell you.
Alright, it's now 10:05am and it is time to reward myself for working so hard this morning. My reward is reading my Sue Grafton novel. I really enjoy reading. I think it will become a daily routine for me now. I like treating it like a reward for my own personal good behavior. I probably won't talk to you again until after my sleepy and counseling sessions today - so the next conversation will be a deep and thoughtful one.
6:08pm - Time to reflect on my Sleepy...wow. It began with a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist (CRNA) and a typist in the room. The typist starts with reading the affirmations that I have selected while the CRNA administers the anesthesia. They take you to level of subconsciousness and then ask more questions. I remember repeating my affirmations, but after that - nothing - until I'm in a different room across the hall opening my eyes and thinking - "Where am I and how did I get here?" Kind of creepy if you want my honest opinion.
I was so nervous going in that I might say that I really want to kill myself or something else horrible that would require them to call authorities and have me committed. All that nervousness was still there when I came to and it wasn't dissipated until my debrief counseling session with Patricia at 2:00pm.
What I learned is that I really don't like myself, even at a subconscious level. I learned that I am very angry. I learned that you are considered to be a true friend and motivator to me. I have an appreciation for you even subconsciously. I learned that I cannot continue to watch the Real Housewives because I believe them to be a trigger for me and dangerous to my recovery and abstinence. I learned that the months when I was pregnant and nursing my girls, I consider to be the best time of my life.
These were all answers that I gave under sedation. In reviewing my answers with me Patricia gave me some questions that I can ask myself during the next Sleepy.
First question: What do I need to do to create closure with my childhood?
Second question: What is it I am so angry about and how do I resolve my anger?
Then she also gave me some additional affirmations to have read to me to directly counteract my negative self image.
I LOVE MYSELF
I AM VALUABLE
Because that was something else that came out is that I use sex to hurt myself and to feel valuable as a person. She said it's apparent that I am acting out in response to childhood trauma and that I get drunk so that I can be free to express the anger that I am holding in and onto, then I crave closeness, love, and security, so I go for the quick fix by finding random men to have sex with, but by choosing random men and degrading myself like that I am also filling my need to punish myself. Then the cycle continues.
Patricia gave me a book and a workbook that goes with the book. The book is called Emotional Sobriety by Tian Dayton, PhD and in it there is apparently a lot of good information about relationship trauma, which is what Patricia says is part of what I suffer from. She said I'm very angry with my parents and that relationship trauma is affecting my ability to be a fully functional adult. I couldn't agree more.
Did I mention that the diarrhea hasn't stopped since yesterday? Thought I would throw that in here. I finally asked for some Imodium right before I sat down to journal this evening.
Okay back to counseling. Patricia suggested that I might find it helpful to write a letter to my parents, even if I never give it to them, just to express my feelings and find my voice. I think that sounds like a great idea.
I LOVE MYSELF
I AM VALUABLE
I just had to say it again. I think I need to say it until I believe it and then keep saying it. Time to go to group for some more of the good stuff!
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