Saturday 04.02.11
4:59am - It's your birthday today. Before I left, you told me that this was going to be the best present I could give you, it's also the best present I've ever given myself. Sure the bed sucks, the food is marginal, the building is old and run down, but there is something so rich, so luxurious about the other 'amenities' here. Like freedom. Freedom to just be with myself - good, bad, or otherwise - I am free to shed the weight of the world, leave all my baggage from one end of the building to the other. And of course, I mean emotional baggage. I walked through the doors here and I was actually free to breathe and believe. Another great one is trust. Everyone here trusts me to be here for the right reasons and trusts me to do this. No one says 'if' or even pokes a modicum of doubt in my direction. That brings me to the amenity of belief. That's one of the more incredible and rare ones. As soon as I walked in I had an overwhelming feeling of belief wrap around me and take hold. Through freedom and trust, I am able to believe in myself. I can do this. I am doing this.
Last night during group Reynaldo (the counselor) said something that caught my attention. Truth be told, Reynaldo said a lot that caught my attention. He's a very gifted speaker and counselor, I can just tell. Even though I haven't had a private session with him, his abilities in group were nothing short of stellar. Anyway, I digress...so last night he said something to the effect that "[he]...has met and had the pleasure to get to know many of [us], and several of [us] have brilliant minds, cerebral, high thinkers, exceptionally smart, but people like that have problems when it comes to feelings because [they] don't know "how" they feel..."
WOW! That's what I thought at that moment. I thought WOW - THAT'S ME! Reynaldo went on to describe or explain in more detail what he was talking about and he totally described me. Because I can problem solve like crazy. But you ask me how I feel and I get dumb. Big time dumb. I do default to generalized, blanket statements like "down" or "low". And when he explained how that has to be drilled down to the real emotions I was really amazed, and impressed. I want to learn how to do that. Okay so I'm down, but why? What's the real emotion? I am going to ask about this with my counselor when I get to have my private sessions.
Today is a good day. I am a good person. I am in control of my life. I am making good choices.
11:23am - Holy cram am I drained?!!!?!!! I just had my first individual counseling session with Reynaldo and I am wiped out. He got me talking about so much crap that I haven't wanted to deal with. And he scared me. He scared me real bad. He teaches a course and specializes in generational issues and he said that so much of what i have experienced are generational, meaning passed on from one generation to the next, and if I don't deal with my demons then they will become my daughters demons. He showed me how so many of the ways that I react to situations has nothing to do with the situation, but everything to do with my baggage, my past traumas and experiences. It became my motivation to continue care after Schick, to break the cycle.
Reynaldo said that I have some really big, serious issues that will require patience and time to work through. He was actually surprised that I haven't committed suicide and have ended up here for a first step. He said that with a history like mine, it wasn't a matter of if, just when I would take my own life. That was frightening to hear, but I also agreed with him. That's why I sought help. Real help.
He left me with one thing to focus on, which is hope. By showing up and being committed to work on the alcohol addiction, I can also get direction to deal with my mental health, to become in charge of my life and break the cycle. He said I have more to deal with than soldiers coming home from bad wars. That's pretty hard to not only hear, but to come to terms with. But that's what I'm committed to do. I am dealing with all of my baggage. I am breaking the cycle. This stops with me. I have hope.
So my first Duffy starts in about 2.5 hours. I am dealing with my addiction to alcohol first. That is my goal for today. To survive my first Duffy. Wish me luck!
5:10pm - First Duffy same as done! OMG! What an experience. I feel like shit. I'm on the last thirty minutes of my three hour stay in my room after each Duffy. This time is to be spent focused on my recovery and addiction. I have been focusing on all the things alcohol has ruined in my life, all the problems it has caused. They sent me back with a washcloth soaked in wine to smell this whole three hours while I focus on the nausea to help create that negative association and build my aversion. It's a technique that is working for me. I've never wretched so much in my life. Now the diarrhea is kicking in - oh no! This is "Oh my God I am going to shit my pants before I make it to the toilet" kind. Forceful like someone turned on the spigot. Afraid to fart because I'll poop kind. Eeks!
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