The Parent Trap

Last night I fell right into the Parent Trap and got CAUGHT in the painful steel jaws of frustration and hurt feelings!  Aaaghhh!!!!  Let me explain...


I went out to run an errand and to have a little bit of alone time, because as some of you know, my house is nice and full these days (my parents live with me - long story, which I will backtrack and explain in a subsequent post to catch you up).  Nice and full can also be synonymous with claustrophobic at times when you are 2 weeks post rehab, freshly unemployed and facing foreclosure of your home...I'm just sayin'...I needed a little space.


SETTING THE TRAP:  I didn't clearly state my need for space and define exactly how long I would be gone before I left.  By not being clear, I left a whole lot to be interpreted by others, expectations to be built, and effectively, I pulled out this great big, shiny new bear trap and set it.  You know the kind like you see in cartoons, with the huge jagged jaws and you have to step on both sides to pry it open?  Because when you're setting a trap for yourself, you really can feel it when it's happening, even though you try to deny it, or JUSTIFY (I know! Spooky word!) your actions.  That's how it was for me, I literally could FEEL myself standing on the jaws of that trap, PRYING it open, setting the trip pin, and then trying to carefully get free of it before it SNAPPED on me and crushed my leg and took my freedom.  


Did I stop when I recognized that feeling, that moment? Oh no...THAT would be much too simple and there would be no lesson learned!  Nope, I got clear of that trap very carefully and skipped off down the road for some "me" time, tra-la-la-la-laahhhhhh...


ADDING BAIT TO THE TRAP:  My Dad asked me if I was coming right back (DANGER-DANGER-Will Robinson) and I said.......wait for it........wait...........YES!  Oh yeah, that was exactly the moment that the bait was hung over the trap and everything was perfectly in place for that trap to catch something....aka: ME!


This was chance number two for me to be absolutely authentic and true to my feelings and my needs and to clarify with my parents about wanting some space and time to myself, but instead I got frustrated at my Dad asking.  I felt indignant and frustrated because he should "know" that I needed space!  Can you hear The Four Agreements cracking from the strain yet?  Eek!  


SNAP! THE TRAP IS SPRUNG:  I was gone less than two hours and the phone rings the first time...guess who's calling?  You guessed it...Dad.  "Are you on your way home yet?", he asks.  "No Dad, I'm not on my way home yet.", I reply.  "Well, when are you coming home?" he asks, "In a little bit." I reply, and then THOSE words came out..."You aren't drinking are you?" he asks.  At this point, my frustration level hits the roof, my blood is boiling, and I can feel my entire being tightening up as the stress and frustration grows like an angry monster inside me, and through gritted teeth and with an indignant tone, I say "No I am NOT drinking!"  My Dad then takes on this kind of mocking tone and says "Well, we're your support system, we're just checking on you to make sure you're okay."  Now, it's literally taking every bit of peace and patience within me to not throw the phone down or turn it off, but...I didn't.    Then about 30 minutes later, here comes phone call number two, second verse same as the first, except my frustration had transitioned into the ugly beast of stubbornness, where now I'm just mad because everybody's invading "my" time.  And finally phone call number three about 15 minutes after the last, with yet another "You're not drinking are you?"...here's the BEST part of the story though...not at ANY SINGLE MOMENT did I consider buying a beer or a cocktail and getting drunk!  Because let me tell you folks, two weeks ago, if I was hitting that same frustration level, that would have been the EXACT thing I did!  Because that's how I used to cope with stress and emotion.


Thanks to the excellent counter-conditioning and first class counselors that were a part of my treatment at Schick-Shadel Hospital though, I didn't drink, and I can think about how that whole scenario played out and recognize where I fell into old dysfunctional communication habits, and take this experience and learn from it.  


LESSON LEARNED:  It's okay for me to take time for me.  It's also okay for people to question whether I'm drinking or not, because let's face it, I haven't exactly set a great track record with my past actions.  I need to be direct and up front about my needs with people, ESPECIALLY with my SELF!  That was the point where last night first went wrong for me, I wasn't honest with myself.  I didn't admit to myself what I really needed, I buried that need and then hid it from everyone.  Good news is that the hiding was short lived and that I'm talking it out now, here with you.  The better news is that I did calm down, let go of the frustration, accepted and took credit for the HUGE WIN of the day which was NOT DRINKING and apologized to my parents, taking responsibility for my part in the Parent Trap.  And the best news...I got to wake up this morning sober and free from the craving of alcohol, and I remember everything I did yesterday because I was sober that day too!